


The Years Before

by Starfleet_Command_Unit_Bi



Series: Laris and Zhaban [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Picard
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23804914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starfleet_Command_Unit_Bi/pseuds/Starfleet_Command_Unit_Bi
Summary: The years before Laris and Zhaban met Admiral Jean-Luc Picard.How they met, how they grew up, how they fell in love.A prequel to Fifteen Years but can be read separately.
Relationships: Laris/Zhaban (Star Trek)
Series: Laris and Zhaban [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1715068
Comments: 27
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

Zhaban had been told weeks before that his mother would be taking on a recruit, one his own age, but he still found himself, the morning they were supposed to arrive, scrambling to get everything ready. Whoever the recruit was, he knew, logically, that they probably wouldn’t even want to go into his room, let alone be able to, but his mother had demanded that it be perfectly neat, any personal possessions hidden carefully away from prying eyes. His school uniform had to be tidy, shoes cleaned, and hair brushed, despite the fact that it was the shortest it had ever been and he wasn’t planning on letting it grow out much. Zhaban had never disobeyed his mother before and he wasn’t about to start, either. 

He didn’t know much about the recruit other than their age, the fact that they would probably be attending school together and that their family probably had another child to take over the family business, since the recruit was joining the Tal Shiar. Or failing and being terminated. 

Once his room was as tidy as he could make it, though not up to his mother’s standards he was sure, Zhaban went to the bathroom, checked his school uniform, adjusting the collar the way his father always did in the mornings, and brushed down his hair again. It was still sticking up a little bit at the back, it always stuck up a little bit at the back, but it was the best Zhaban could do.

An alert came through on his computer, his mother requesting for his presence downstairs, telling him that the recruit had arrived with their family and he was supposed to be there to meet them. The house didn’t seem large from the outside, no houses on Romulus were what they seemed on the outside, especially when they housed the Tal Shiar, but the winding hallways and trick walls, staircases and doors emphasised exactly how big it was. When Zhaban was alone, his parents both away on missions, expecting him to care for himself for a few days, it felt enormous. With someone else in the house, maybe it wouldn’t feel so big, or so quiet.

The other family were already in the room when he arrived, two parents and two children, Southerners with no ridges. The boy looked older than him, obviously not the recruit, and was watching the room with a well-taught air of polite disinterest, disguising the fact that he was studying it for any traps. Like his parents, he was dressed in browns and dark reds, the colours of families involved in the mining business, he knew, and his dark hair was longer than normal and slightly curly. He was stood close to his sister, the two of them bearing a strong resemblance to each other, despite him having about half a foot of height on her.

She was small, smaller than Zhaban, with equally curly hair that was equally long to her brother’s, wearing similar clothes and standing in a similar way. But there was a calculating edge to her gaze, her posture a little looser, leaving her in a better position if attacked, and everything about her seemed positioned to fight at even the slightest drop of a pin. No wonder his mother wanted to be her handler. 

“Jolan tru,” he greeted, opening his hands out to them. “My name is Zhaban.”

His mother had informed him he was supposed to be using family names around them, since the recruit was to be living with them, leaving her own family. Zhaban doubted it was entirely to put the recruit more at ease since she had never cared about anything like that before, but he, privately, hoped that it helped. He wasn’t sure how well he’d cope if he was sent to live with another family to train to join the Tal Shiar. It was hard enough being born into it.

“Jolan tru,” the mother replied, evidently the power in the family. “My name is Savina. This is my husband, Lurrux, my son Rijain, and my daughter, Laris.”

Zhaban nodded at each of them in turn, letting his gaze rest on Laris a little longer, studying her. For his mother to take an interest, she had to be special and he wanted to see if he could figure it out just by looking at her. He couldn’t, not quite, but there was something that brought his gaze back to her again and again.

“You and Laris will be partners together in training,” his mother told him in a firm voice. “Go and show her to her room and then the training room. Lessons will resume as normal this evening.”

“Yes, mother,” he replied dutifully. 

Laris gave her family one last look, it was doubtful they would still be in the house when they came back, before picking up her small bag and following Zhaban out. Her brother watched them both carefully. He wondered what it would be like to have siblings. Both of his parents were only children, meaning he didn’t have any cousins either, or his parents didn’t want him to know he had any cousins, so he didn’t have anything close to siblings. It didn’t feel like the right time to ask Laris about it, however. 

They walked through the halls, Laris close on his heels even as he went through the trick walls and doors, and approached her room. It was close to his own, previously unused, though his father had set it up in preparation for Laris’ arrival. Zhaban waited outside whilst Laris unpacked, not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable than she had to be feeling, and attempted to practice more of the meditation his father was teaching him to empty his mind. 

Laris walked out of her room to find him facing the wall with his eyes closed, breathing deeply.

The walk to the training room was equally silent, Zhaban unsure of how to start a conversation with the girl and Laris barely even looking at him, glancing around the house, remembering everything. It was probably for the best that they didn’t talk, letting her memorise the walkways to get everywhere. Inside the training, Zhaban realised he should probably say something, anything, even just something that seemed obvious. 

“Mother says we will have combat training in the mornings and evenings during school time and over the weekends it’s the morning and early afternoon,” he explained, voice echoing a bit in the room, empty except from a few mats and cupboards. Only idiots would keep their weapons on display, for anyone to take and use. Laris nodded at him. “Would you like to go back now? Your family might still be there.”

“No they won’t,” she replied in an even voice, the first time that Zhaban had heard her speak. They walked back up to the front room where, as Laris had expected, only Zhaban’s parents were waiting for them.

* * *

Laris had known most of her life that she was going to be taken in by another family to be trained. It was the way her parents treated and spoke to her, like she was only going to be in their lives for a short while, that she shouldn’t be too settled at her new school because she wasn’t staying very long. Rijain had reassured her they would stay in contact but the more Laris learned about where she was going and what she was doing, the less she believed her brother, however much she desperately wanted to. 

She met her soon-to-be handler, Vollu, and her husband, Sarreb, the month before it was decided she was leaving. They told her that she was picked to join the Tal Shiar, that the training would be more intense and that if she failed she would be terminated. It was about as much as Laris had expected, though the fact that they already had a son, who would be her training partner, was a surprise. Laris had been expecting to deal with it all by herself, and she wasn’t sure how another person fit into it. She knew the Tal Shiar didn’t like its agents forming emotional bonds, that Vollu and Sarreb were only married for a mission and that their son was someone they could train, by she imagine, she hoped, that training alongside someone meant she could make at least one friend. 

“Is your bag packed?” Rijain asked, poking his head through her door. She’d given him the password for the first lock when she was eight and now Laris was leaving, she’d left the rest of the passwords in his room for him to find.

“Yes,” she replied, patting it gently by her side. There wasn’t much in it. Her school clothes and training uniform were being provided by Vollu and Sarreb so she didn’t have to pack any of that. There were a few padds with stories she liked, some classwork she’d found interesting, and a small collection of holos hidden away. Most of them were of her and Rijain. Laris doubted she would see him very much after she left.

“Mum and dad are ready to go,” he said. “Are you ready, little one?”

“Of course,” Laris shot back, a little rankled that he doubted that. Rijain laughed slightly.

He was fourteen, four years older, and nearing his final examinations though no one doubted that he would succeed. Tall for his age, smart and witty, their parents said his only weakness was his affection for her, and that was about to be solved with her leaving. Laris would miss him a lot, more than she was going to admit to him, and she hugged him tightly.

“Love you, little one.”

“Love you too, Ri.”

It was a quiet journey to the house, her parents not saying anything, there wasn’t much to say, and soon they were there. Vollu had met them in the front room, sending a message to her son to come and join them, and Sarreb attempted to keep the stilted conversation going. Laris didn’t pay it much attention. Her and Rijain were studying the room carefully, wondering what sort of secrets could be hidden inside the house, a house containing two Tal Shiar agents and two agents-in-training, when the son walked in.

His gaze first went to their parents, passing over them both quickly, before reaching them. He studied Rijain first, taking in his age and clothes and the way he stood, before going to Laris. In turn, Laris studied him. Northern, like his parents, with prominent ridges making him look more like his mother, and only a few inches shorter than Rijain which was annoying. Laris knew she was short but it wasn’t encouraging to have a tall partner. 

“Jolan tru,” he greeted them. “My name is Zhaban.”

Laris was surprised to realise that his parents hadn’t mentioned his name before, they had told her that they would use family names together and assumed that was his, but now she had a name and a face for her partner of the next six years. If they both survived that long. 

“Jolan tru,” her mother replied, smiling at him the same way she smiled at business associates. Not kindly but not overtly threatening, not if they did what she wanted. “My name is Savina. This is my husband, Lurrux, my son, Rijain, and my daughter, Laris.”

He nodded at all of them respectfully, catching her eye at the end and immediately looking away. Vollu looked at him harshly.

“You and Laris will be partners in training together,” she told him and Laris wondered how little he knew about the circumstances if he was only just being told that now. “Go and show her to her room, and then the training room. Lessons will resume as normal this evening.”

“Yes, mother,” he replied loyally, looking at her expectantly before leaving the room.

They walked in silence throughout the house. Laris stayed as close to him as she felt was safe, memorising the large house as best she could. There wasn’t much of a pattern to it all, if there was it would be a terrible security system, but she understood it well enough and would have a second chance to remember it when they walked back. Zhaban glanced at her every so often, but didn’t say anything. It must be odd to have a stranger in your house, sleeping down the hall from you.

She was allowed in her room by herself, thankfully, and Laris immediately set about hiding her holos and padds. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t be allowed to have them, Vollu had mentioned no rules about that and her parents had given her a few to take with her, but a force of habit to hide things she liked from people she didn’t know. Zhaban might be her partner but she certainly didn’t trust him, not yet, and one silent walk wasn’t enough to change that. 

He was facing the wall, eyes closed and breathing deeply, when she left her new room and took off towards the training room quickly, the tips of his ears flushed with embarrassment. Laris wasn’t quite sure why he had been doing it but she had never been very good at meditation and couldn’t recognise many of the types. She hoped she wouldn’t have to do much of it as part of her training. Clearing her mind was particularly difficult. 

“Mother says we will have combat training in the mornings and evenings during school time and over the weekends it’s the morning and early afternoon,” he explained, voice echoing a bit in the room, empty except from a few mats and cupboards. Laris nodded at him. “Would you like to go back now? Your family might still be there.”

“No they won’t,” she replied in an even voice, not wanting to show how upset she was in front of a stranger. Only Rijain would want to stay to have a proper goodbye and he wouldn’t dare question their parents, not around other people, not around the Tal Shiar. It was just Vollu and Sarreb waiting for them in the front room when they came back. Not a surprise, but still painful.


	2. Chapter 2

They started school together, Laris accompanying him.

Students, even at their age, came and went frequently and so no one batted much of an eye at her presence, even when she arrived at school with Zhaban. Most of their classes were together, they were at the same level for almost all of their subjects, and so they got to know each other quite well over the first few weeks. 

Training started the evening that Laris arrived, observed by his mother, the two of them on mostly equal footing. Laris succeeded purely because she saw no problems in not holding back, choosing to throw Zhaban to the ground in instances where he would relent. He learned that very day not to do it again and they became far more equal. His mother had a special interest in Laris, though it may have just appeared that way because of her disinterest in her son. Zhaban was used to it by that point, accepting that he wasn’t the child she wanted and instead focusing on surviving. 

There was a beep at his bedroom door, someone wanting to come in. His parents had passwords to all of the places in the hose and saw no point in asking to come in. After the first week of school, Laris had started coming into his room to do homework. A lot of the time they didn’t walk, working in silence for hours until going to bed. She was earlier tonight, coming before dinner.

“Have you started the physics essay yet?” she asked, coming in and sitting on his bed.

Despite her respect of the boundary of his bedroom, once she was inside, everything was fair game. Zhaban didn’t find it particularly annoying, or invasive, unlike when his parents came in. It was like it made sense to share his space with Laris. He wondered if that meant they were friends.

“No, I’ve just finished the biology project,” he replied, moving from his desk to sit next to her on the bed.

“Do you want to work on it together?”

“Sure,” he said. Physics was one of Laris’ better subjects and he would be stupid to refuse her help. “Do you have any ideas yet?”

For about half an hour, Zhaban listened to her outline the entire essay she was going to write, going in-depth on the point she found most interesting. The subject itself wasn’t particularly interesting to him, but when Laris was talking about it Zhaban knew he could listen to her for hours. He was definitely considering her a friend now. 

“Have you any ideas?” she asked him when she finished and the tips of his ears flushed green.

“I’ve only read the question,” he admitted. Laris shrugged.

“Okay.”

He panicked slightly, wondering if Laris was going to stop talking to him since they no longer had a topic to discuss. Normally when he was with someone, Zhaban didn’t mind sitting in silence. His mother had drilled into his head that the less he told someone about himself, the better, but obviously that didn’t include Laris. He racked his brain for something to talk about. Anything would work.

“Do you miss your brother?”

That wouldn’t work.

Laris looked at him in surprise and Zhaban worried he had destroyed what little trust they had between them. It had been obvious they were close when Laris had arrived and they hadn’t even been able to have a proper goodbye.

“I just … I’d probably miss my brother, if I had one,” Zhaban explained uncomfortably.

“Sometimes,” she replied after a little hesitation. “I’m still getting used to him not being around me all of the time. Your mother says I might be visiting back home in a couple of months, so I might see him then.”

“That’s still a lot of time,” he insisted sadly. “I’d be upset.”

“You must really not want to do the physics essay if you’re talking about this,” Laris said, her tone implying that she was joking. “Have you not got any ideas?”

“Not really.”

They worked through the essay together, Laris adding in additional facts when she thought of them, and by the end of the hour Zhaban was editing his second draft whilst Laris worked through her literature essay. It was a comfortable silence, no noticeable tension being broken when they did say something to the other, and Zhaban was genuinely enjoying it. His mother walked into the room, the door opening at her command.

“Whilst I’m glad the two of you are committed to your school work, it is time for dinner. Go and set the table. Afterwards we’re starting on history lessons,” she announced. Zhaban fought back a groan. 

He enjoyed history as a school subject, especially knowing a lot of the truth that their textbooks ignored and comparing them, but his mother’s history lessons involved a lot of conspiracy theories and long ranting speeches. She hadn’t done a lesson since Laris arrived but clearly that was about to change.

“Yes, mother,” he replied, standing up.

“Yes, Vollu,” Laris said, her voice mimicking his loyal tone. It sounded a little bit mocking to his ears. 

They went down to the dining room, laying out the plates and cutlery as they did every evening. It was a quiet meal, Vollu and Sarreb asking questions about their lessons that day and the homework they had been doing before being interrupted. Zhaban answered carefully, knowing what was waiting for them after dinner. He and Laris were not in the same history so he didn’t know her opinion on the subject but Zhaban noticed she had perked up a bit at the mention of a history lesson. 

“Tidy up the plates and then go into the living room,” Vollu told them. “The lesson will be long, so prepare yourselves for that. You will not be allowed to leave until we are done.”

It was definitely a conspiracy theory night and Zhaban wasn’t looking forward to it. They tidied up quickly the both of them knowing better than to make Vollu and Sarreb wait for too long. Tal Shiar agents were to be efficient and punctual, always. 

“Does your mother frequently give history lessons?” Laris asked him.

“About once a week,” he shrugged. “They can be … a lot sometimes. My father doesn’t join in but he is normally in the room.”

Laris nodded and put the final plate away, wiping her hands on her trousers. 

* * *

Despite missing her brother desperately, more than she had expected, Laris was enjoying her training. She enjoyed her new lessons at her new school, she enjoyed her lessons with Vollu and Sarreb. Most surprising of all to her, she enjoyed spending time with Zhaban. Their shared lessons were always better than the lessons they had apart and combat training became Laris’ favourite part of the day. 

After her first week at her new school, she started going into Zhaban’s room to do homework. They occasionally spoke, normally about their work or fact checking something, but otherwise they remained in comfortable silence. When she was doing her research for her physics essay, having come home from school and going straight to her room she sat up, gathering her things and going to Zhaban’s room, earlier than normal.

He allowed her inside and Laris went straight to sit on his bed, like she always did.

“Have you started the physics essay yet?”

“No, I’ve just finished the biology project,” he replied, leaving his desk to sit next to her.

“Do you want to work on it together?”

“Sure. Do you have any ideas yet?”

The topic of the essay was something that Laris found very interesting and she had done far more research than necessary. She started talking about her ideas for how she was going to write the essay, going too in-depth, she knew. Zhaban listened to her intently, making her cheeks heat up slowly over the half an hour she spoke. Eventually, when she realised how long she had been talking, Laris stopped. 

“Have you any ideas?”

“I’ve read the question.”

“Okay,” she shrugged. If he didn’t want to talk, she wasn’t going to make him. Especially since she’d been talking for so long. 

“Do you miss your brother?” he asked her suddenly, making her look up from her work. “I just … I’d probably miss a brother, if I had one.”

“Sometimes,” Laris replied, not wanting to let too much out. Tal Shiar agents weren’t meant to have personal connections, even if they were family. “I’m still getting used to him not being around as much. Your mother says I might be visiting back home in a couple of months, so I’ll see him then.”

Laris wasn’t sure how truthful Vollu was being when she mentioned that, nor was she sure how much time she would be able to spend with Ri. It hurt to think about it too much, especially knowing she was no longer allowed to be openly affectionate with him. Zhaban kept going.

“That’s still a lot of time. I’d be sad.”

“You must really not want to do the physics essay if you’re talking about this,” she joked weakly. “Have you really not got any ideas?”

“Not really.”

Laris moved a little closer to him so she could see his padd clearer. At the top, Zhaban had written the title and nothing else. She smiled a little bit and handed over her research padd, grabbing her own stylus to start writing. They worked together quickly, Laris telling him when she came across something particularly fascinating and Zhaban added his own thoughts on it, and she moved onto the literature essay they had been set. It wasn’t her favourite subject but, through Ri’s enjoyment of it, she was decent at it. 

Vollu came into the room, not needing to ask for permission. Neither of the adults in the house had come into her room without warning but Laris was well aware that they would do it if they wanted to. She looked at them carefully, her eyes as analytical as it had been every day Laris had been living with them, before changing focus.

“Whilst I’m glad the two of you are committed to your school work, it is time for dinner. Go and set the table. Afterwards we’re starting on history lessons,” she announced. 

History was Laris’ favourite subject out of all of them and learning about the differences of what they learned and what was actually true. Her grandmother had spent most of her babysitting time explaining the secrets she had learned during her time working for the Senate and it had inspired Laris’ love for it all. Zhaban didn’t seem thrilled about the lesson but he kept it to himself.

“Yes, mother.”

“Yes, Vollu,” Laris replied, growing a little tired of the same response every single time the woman spoke. 

Dinner went the same as it normally did, they were asked about their lessons at school and the homework they had previously been doing. Zhaban was a little guarded with his words but she wasn’t sure why. Laris doubted it was just the idea of a history lesson; he was just as studious as she was and even though they didn’t share history, she had figured out that he enjoyed it. 

“Tidy up the plates and then go into the living room,” Vollu told them. “The lesson will be long, so prepare yourselves for that. You will not be allowed to leave until we are done.”

Laris got up and started gathering the plates. Her warnings weren’t new, they happened every time they had a late evening session. A long lesson usually meant about two and a half to three hours and Vollu didn’t like it when they fidgeted or struggled with paying attention. Laris internally debated whether or not she would be able to finish her literature essay when the lesson finished or if she should continue it in the morning. She would do it in the morning. 

“Does your mother frequently give history lessons?” she asked as they were finishing. 

“About once a week,” Zhaban shrugged, not sounding excited by the whole thing. “They can be … a lot sometimes. My father doesn’t join in but he is normally in the room.”

She nodded and put the final plate away, drying her hands on her trousers. There was still a lot of work ahead of them and she needed a short moment to prepare herself. 


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a year since Laris had arrived, leaving her home to join a new family, and she had surprised herself by how well she was fitting into the strange routine they had made. In the mornings her and Zhaban had light sparring with endurance training, observed by Sarreb. Then they had school where she shared most of her classes with Zhaban and was beginning to make other friends. After school they did homework together, sparred more, this time watched by Vollu, and in the evenings they learned more ‘tricks of the trade’ for being Tal Shiar agents. 

Sometimes it was learning the quickest way to assemble and disassemble a disrupter. Sometimes it was the best place to stab different species for the result they wanted; what would cause the most pain without lasting damage, what would weaken someone, what could kill nearly instantly. Sometimes it was how to tell if a wall was real or not, which had led to the two of them discovering how many secret passageways the house actually had, though they knew not to go looking down them without express permission.

Laris liked those lessons the best.

Vollu and Sarreb were still active members of the Tal Shiar and though training Laris and Zhaban took up most of their time, they still were occasionally called upon for missions. And every so often, they were called up simultaneously, leaving Laris and Zhaban alone in the house. Zhaban acted as though it was completely normal for his parents to leave two young children alone for an unknown amount of time and Laris didn’t want to question that. Not in front of the adults, anyway.

“Do you want to go and spar?” she asked when he let her into his bedroom the first weekend they were alone. It was normal to spar on weekend mornings when Sarreb was home and it felt wrong to break that tradition now; Laris wasn’t sure what she would do with herself if they didn’t. “It’s the normal time for it.”

“Sure,” he shrugged, putting down the padd he had been reading.

Laris left him to get changed, they were both still in their pajamas after a rare lie-in, and went back to her own room. She was quick to change into her uniform, looking forward to a sparring session that was entirely practice, not partly being observed by her handlers. It was a strange thought to have, knowing that she was already considered, if only partially, part of the Tal Shiar, that she was an agent in training, at eleven. The Federation would probably have some complaints about that if they knew how young Romulans started but Laris had been raised loyal and she knew not to trust anything the Federation said.

She was the first one to the training room and began her stretching immediately. There was a strange giddy feeling in her stomach. Tal Shiar agents weren’t supposed to be giddy, they weren’t supposed to get excited over nothing, they needed to have full control over their emotions, suppress them to have full control over themselves. Laris didn’t know how to do that yet and instead her giddiness came out as she bounced on the balls of her feet.

They started sparring slowly, trading blows carefully, not wanting to injure themselves with no adults present. It wouldn’t do for either Sarreb or Vollu to come home to two heavily bruised children. Laris knew they probably wouldn’t be doing weapons training by themselves, not yet anyway, and so tried to reserve her energy, knowing they could go until lunchtime before one of them asked to stop. 

At one point she moved in to hit Zhaban, aiming the blow for his shoulder, when he caught her waist, intending to throw her over his shoulder. Instead, because Laris wasn’t as focused as she knew she should have been, his touch tickled and she squealed, kicking out and catching his leg, causing the both of them to fall to the ground in a confused pile. 

Zhaban looked at her in disbelief, having never heard her make a sound like that in the year they had known each other and not even knowing she was ticklish, and Laris was still a little trapped underneath his legs. Their eyes met and for reasons unknown to the both of them, they burst out laughing. It was a little bit of a ridiculous situation, of course, Zhaban had tickled Laris and caused her to knock them both down, but it wasn’t enough to cause the amount of laughter that was echoing in the room. 

“I didn’t know you were ticklish,” Zhaban managed to gasp out as they attempted to collect themselves.

“I can mostly hide it,” she admitted in between wheezes. “I’m just glad that didn’t happen in front of your parents.”

“Could you imagine what they would think about that? We’d been running laps into the night until we collapsed.”

That set off another bout of giggles, the two of them leaning into each other as they gasped for breath, stomachs cramping slightly. Eventually they calmed down enough to sit up, tears in their eyes, and begin their stretches. Laris made a point of not looking at Zhaban, knowing she would just start laughing again, and knew he wasn’t looking at her either for, presumably, the same reasons. 

“Do you want to work on the chemistry project together after lunch?” Zhaban offered as they walked down to the kitchen. “We’ll need to pair up next term, it might be best if we practice now.”

“Sure, it’ll probably be easier if we are partnered together for projects, since we live together,” she agreed. “Shouldn’t take more than today, if we’re doing it together.”

* * *

It was the first time that both of his parents were away since Laris had joined them. They were only alone for the weekend, his father due back a few hours before they needed to leave for school, but it was still two days alone in the house. Zhaban wasn’t sure what Laris wanted to do with their downtime but he wasn’t going to force her to continue with training since he didn’t always keep up with it before she arrived. 

When he was about halfway through a book he was reading on his padd, there was a beep at his door, opening to reveal Laris, still in her pajamas like he was. 

“Do you want to go and spar?” she asked, only coming a few steps into his room. “It’s the normal time for it.”

“Sure,” he agreed, tossing his padd to the side. She left the room for him to get changed. They had gotten changed in front of each other dozens of times before, at school or during training at home, but Zhaban was glad for the option of privacy.

He got changed slowly, into his training uniform, and checked his communicator one last time before leaving his room. There were no messages from his parents. It wasn’t uncommon for him to have no contact with his parents when they were away. They were good agents,  _ very _ good agents, who could handle almost anything, but Zhaban still worried when left alone with his thoughts. Laris was seeing to it that he wouldn’t, whether she realised it or not. 

She was already in the training room, stretching in preparation, when he arrived, looking excited. Sparring was a fun way to spend time together and with his parents absent it would probably be even more fun. After a year of training together they had become accustomed to each other’s style, strengths and weaknesses, making it more of a mental exercise than just physical exercise.

“Are you ready to start?” he asked, rocking up and down on his feet in preparation. Laris nodded. 

They began sparring slowly, trading soft blows between them. By themselves they could just about heal any bruises or minor cuts but Zhaban didn’t want to risk it. His parents would not be happy to come home to two bruised and cut children. Zhaban also felt deeply uncomfortable about the idea of actually hurting Laris. If he ever told his mother, which he wouldn’t, she would tell him that that hesitation, that care for her, was a weakness. He brushed the through off whenever it came upon him. 

Only an hour away for when they usually stopped for lunch, not choosing to change over to weapons training since his parents weren’t there, and Zhaban was beginning to get tired. He was flushed in the face, panting and sweating, with Laris in a similar state. Zhaban was considering offering an early lunch. Laris moved in close to land a hit on his shoulder. He saw his chance and grabbed her waist, beginning to lift her up to throw her down.

Instead of any expected response from her, hitting him in a way to force him to drop her, or using her momentum to knock him down, or twisting out of his grip, she squealed, laughing slightly. Laris’ leg kicked out carelessly, catching the back of his knee and forcing Zhaban to drop to the ground, Laris going with him. She was slightly trapped under his legs because of how they had fallen.

For a moment, they were silent, staring at each other.

They burst out laughing, the sound echoing in the otherwise empty room, collapsing to the ground, still trapped around each other. Zhaban couldn’t stop himself even if he tried but he didn’t particularly want to. It felt good to laugh with Laris, not needing to worry that his parents would walk in and make them stop. In the year that they had known each other, Zhaban felt safe enough to consider Laris a friend, talking and joking with each other about schoolwork and their training. 

“I didn’t know you were ticklish,” Zhaban gasped out, struggling to catch his breath. It felt strange to know that Laris, so self-collected and restrained, was ticklish, such a simple weakness. Obviously she had been able to hide it in training, Zhaban had grabbed her waist before with no reaction, but it was still strange.

“I can mostly hide it,” she replied, confirming his thoughts. “I’m just glad that didn’t happen in front of your parents.”

That was simultaneously terrifying and hilarious.

“Could you imagine what they would think about that? We’d be running laps into the night until we collapsed.”

They burst out laughing again even though it wasn’t a particularly funny threat. Running laps was the worst punishment they had; it wasn’t challenging enough to give them something to think about but Vollu and Sarreb made them run for hours if they messed up badly enough. It wasn’t a common punishment.

When they calmed down, they sat up with tears in their eyes from laughing so much. Zhaban did his best not to look at Laris because he knew he would start laughing again. Laris was staring resolutely at the wall. They walked down to the kitchen for an early lunch, not bothering to get changed despite having sweated in their training uniforms. 

“Do you want to work on the chemistry project together after lunch?” he suggested as they walked, not wanting to spend the rest of the day alone. “We’ll need to pair up next term, it might be best if we practice now.”

“Sure,” Laris agreed, shrugging. “It’ll probably be easier if we are partnered together for projects since we live together. Shouldn’t take more than today, if we’re doing it together.”


	4. Chapter 4

Laris was lying on Zhaban’s bed, going through the assigned reading for their upcoming physics test, diligently making notes. Zhaban was next to her, also studying for the test. The rest of their homework had been done earlier, wanting to make time for preparation since it was an important test, about a project they hadn’t worked on together, differing to most of their school projects. Laris had initially struggled to work with someone other than Zhaban, so attuned to his thought process that they barely needed to talk when working together. 

“How did your results go?” Zhaban asked, shifting to look at her. Laris sighed.

“We got what we needed,” she replied, also turning to look at him. “Belak made a mistake that nearly ruined the entire thing but we just about managed.”

“Weird, he’s normally pretty good at experiments,” he said, frowning. “Not like him.”

“I was talking to Lonila and she says that it’s because he likes me and wanted a chance to ask me on a date,” Laris shrugged. Zhaban stiffened slightly next to her but she ignored it. In the two years they had known each other they had always been protective of each other, the closest of friends, and it was only normal for it to extend to something like that.

“Do you want to say yes?” he asked, voice sounding a little strange.

“Not particularly.”

They were silent for a little while longer, continuing their work, but it was tense for a reason that Laris couldn’t figure out. She didn’t like Belak in a romantic way, she barely liked him at all, and there was a strange feeling in her to make sure that Zhaban knew that though she wasn't sure why. Attempting to focus on the information in front of her was suddenly difficult, distracted by the way her stomach had twisted with slight anxiety.

“Have you ever kissed someone before?” Zhaban asked, staring pointedly at his padd, breaking the silence.

“No, I would have told you if I had,” she replied. Surely he knew she would tell him, right? “Have you ever kissed someone before?”

If he thought she might not tell him, there was a chance that he wouldn’t tell her either. Laris didn’t like how that thought made her feel. It felt wrong that they would have any secrets between them, even things that weren’t technically secrets. 

“No.”

Again, they fell silent, focused on their padds and, again, there was a tension between them. Laris glanced at Zhaban carefully, noting his tight grip on his stylus, the furrow in his brows as he put all of his concentration on their study materials. It was different to how he normally looked when they were working, normally he was somewhat relaxed, twisting the stylus around his fingers whenever he wasn’t writing. He had taught Laris how to do it in the first few months of coming to the house and every time she did it, she was reminded of him. 

An idea came to her.

“Is there anyone in your classes who you want to kiss?” she asked leadingly. Zhaban looked up at her in surprise. Laris was apparently wrong with her initial theory.

“Not particularly,” he told her, echoing her earlier sentiment about Belak, seeming confused by his own words as well as her question. “Do you have anyone who you want to kiss?”

“Not particularly.”

“I can’t imagine that first kisses are very good,” Zhaban told her. “You know, you’re doing something for the first time, you’re not going to be great at it.”

“I suppose,” she said. Laris hadn’t thought about it a lot, hadn’t thought about it much at all, but his logic made sense. She wondered how much he had thought about it to come to that conclusion. Her first theory about how he had someone he wanted to kiss might be a little more true than she originally thought. “But if you like someone then I don’t think it matters if you’re good at it, not at first.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Laris replied, exasperated. “That’s why people fall in love.”

She knew his parents didn’t have the happiest marriage, Laris was fairly certain it was only a marriage in the legal sense but she wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they did love each other. Vollu and Sarreb kept everything hidden from them. But her parents were happy together and her grandparents were happy together and Laris had some sort of understanding of how love worked, as much as she could at twelve-years-old. 

“But the person you have your first kiss with isn’t likely to be the person that you love,” he countered. “So it’s still not going to be good, even if you do like them a lot.”

Laris huffed and sat up on the bed. Zhaban mimicked her position as they usually did, sitting, cross-legged, opposite each other. There was a competitiveness in the air, as there normally was when they had even the smallest disagreement, but also a nervousness to them both. She wasn’t quite sure why. 

“Just because the person who is your first kiss isn’t the person you spend the rest of your life with doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy the kiss, even if it isn’t good,” Laris continued. “You just sort of … know that kissing someone you don’t like, even if they are good at it, wouldn’t be as good as kissing someone you do like.”

“I still think you need practice before kissing anyone is good.”

“Well, why don’t we practice?” she said, only half-joking. The brief look of panic on his face before changing to determination convinced her that she did want them to practice, if only to win. Laris wasn’t sure what she was winning by continuing, but she knew she had to. 

“Deal,” Zhaban agreed.

They moved closer, the distance between them would have made the kiss awkward, and Laris found herself becoming nervous, heartbeat increasing. She tilted her face upwards as Zhaban’s bent down, their height difference having only got bigger in the two years they’d known each other, and their lips met.

It wasn’t a great kiss, their noses were smushed together, it was a little too forceful, and they were both too tense to relax into each other. Her grandmother had said you couldn’t enjoy anything with a person unless you were able to be relaxed with them, whether it was forced relaxation that you taught yourself or actual relaxation, and Laris agreed with that. It wasn’t bad, either, and she was surprised by how much she really didn’t think it wasn’t bad.

When they broke apart, pulling back further than they needed to, Laris almost struggled to meet his eye. They smiled nervously at each other for a few brief seconds.

“So, was it bad?” Zhaban asked.

She wanted to kiss him again.

Laris wasn’t sure why she wanted to kiss him again. They were friends, they were the closest of friends, and she cared about him more than anyone else, but she didn’t know why she wanted to kiss him again. 

“You need practice,” she replied. The look of offence on his face almost made her life. It changed again, confidence taking over it.

“Offering?”

They kissed again, a little more relaxed, and it was better, longer. She melted into his touch, fitting together better than before, and a warmth bloomed in her chest, Laris could feel her ears and cheeks heating up, knowing they were going bright green. Zhaban had flushed green as well when they broke apart.

“Better?”

“A little,” she replied, shrugging at him. Laris glanced at the window and saw how dark it had gotten outside. “I’m all done for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She grabbed her padds and stylus and got up to leave. Zhaban stayed on the bed, looking up as she went to the door. “Good night. See you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning.”

* * *

They were doing revision for a physics test on Zhaban’s bed. Laris was at his side, writing notes in careful, neat handwriting about the topics on the syllabus. It was weird not working on projects without Laris, used to having a partner who knew his every move and thought. Zhaban tried not to think about it too hard. His mother said he wasn’t supposed to have attachments and he knew he was very much attached to Laris. 

“How did your results go?” he asked, wanting to break the silence between them, wanting to talk to Laris, even if it was about nothing. She sighed. Zhaban moved to look at her properly, wondering what was wrong.

“We got what we needed. Belak made a mistake that nearly ruined the entire thing but we just about managed.”

Belak was in several of their classes, all high level classes, and not one would make that sort of mistake at that level. 

“Weird,” he replied. “He’s normally pretty good at experiments. Not like him.”

“I was talking to Lonila and she says that it’s because he likes me and wanted a chance to ask me on a date,” she shrugged nonchalantly.

It felt like he had been punched in the gut.

Jealousy surged in him for some unknown reason. It wasn’t like Laris would forget him if she liked someone in a romantic way, Zhaban had faith that they would always be close. But he still felt jealous at even the slightest suggestion that Laris might like someone, even listening to her bored voice describing it.

“Do you want to say yes?” he asked, fighting to keep his voice even. It didn’t work, based on how her nose scrunched up slightly at his words.

“Not particularly,” Laris said. A wave of relief went through him at the reassurance.

He didn’t quite know how to continue the conversation without giving away the internal turmoil he was experiencing, so Zhaban fell silent. Despite that, despite trying to focus back on his schoolwork, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it all. About the idea of Laris liking someone in that way, twisting up his insides and making himself feel almost physically sick. The thought of Laris kissing someone else popped into his mind and the jealousy was back again, even if he had no reason to be jealous. She could like whoever she wanted, Zhaban didn’t have a monopoly on her emotions, but the idea still hurt.

“Have you ever kissed someone before?” Zhaban asked, not risking to look at Laris. If he looked at her he would give in and tell her everything.

“No,” she replied as though it was obvious. They always told each other everything, it was an obvious answer. “I would have told you if I had. Have you ever kissed someone before?”

“No,” he replied. He was feeling a little ridiculous about his concerns. It had never occurred to him that he wouldn’t tell Laris something like that and obviously Laris would tell him just as easily.

Zhaban tried to organise his thoughts, pretending to focus on his notes. His thoughts were racing so quickly he almost couldn’t read the words in front of him. Laris went back to her revision. If she wasn’t so good at physics and already so prepared for the upcoming test, Zhaban wouldn’t have continued the conversation at all. Even as it was, he felt guilty for distracting her for something he had no reason to be scared about.

“Is there anyone in your classes who you want to kiss?” she asked and for some reason only her face popped into his mind.

“Not particularly,” Zhaban replied, trying to mimic her bored tone from before, wanting a little bit of time to understand the thought process that had led to her face coming up. “Do you have anyone who you want to kiss?”

“Not particularly.”

“I can’t imagine that first kisses are very good,” he continued for a reason unknown to himself. “You know, you’re doing something for the first time, you’re not going to be great at it.”

“I suppose,” Laris said thoughtfully. “But if you like someone then I don’t think it matters if you’re good at it, not at first.”

“Really?” Zhaban asked. It wasn’t quite the direction he wanted the conversation to go, though he wasn’t what direction he did want. Laris grew a little irritated, fight coming into her eyes, and that was a direction Zhaban knew. He knew how to argue with Laris without upsetting her, or having more than a heated debate.

“Yes, really. That’s why people fall in love.”

“But the person you have your first kiss with isn’t likely to be the person that you love,” Zhaban pointed out. “So it’s still not going to be good, even if you do like them a lot.”

Laris huffed, sitting up, dislodging the padds on the bed. He copied her almost instinctively, they’d had hundreds of conversations like that, and faced her. It was like a normal debate between them, the usual competitiveness there, but with much higher tensions. Zhaban wasn’t sure, initially, why the tensions were there.

“Just because the person who is your first kiss isn’t the person you spend the rest of your life with doesn't mean you don’t enjoy the kiss, even if it isn’t good. You just sort of … know that kissing someone you don’t like, even if they are good at it, wouldn’t be as good as kissing someone you do like.”

“I still think you need practice before kissing anyone is good.”

It was petty to say the same point in response to her argument but the brief flash of anger and the competitiveness that was still there made him grin. Laris smiled at him knowingly, perfectly understanding his motivation. She always knew what he was thinking and it made a familiar warmth bloom in his chest. Zhaban wasn’t sure what the emotion associated with it was but also had the feeling that he was about to find out.

“Well, why don’t we practice?” Laris suggested. He knew she was partially joking but the idea of kissing Laris made him unreasonably happy, and that scared him. Zhaban shrugged off the panic. It was Laris’ idea, a joking one, and it was a challenge.

“Deal.”

They moved closer together and bent their heads together. After they adjusted for their height difference, their lips met. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad and Zhaban was scared of how much he enjoyed it, going tense. When they stopped, they pulled apart much further than they needed to. He hoped that Laris didn’t have the same reason as him.

“So, was it bad?” he asked, joking weakly and trying to hide what he was feeling.

“You need practice,” Laris replied. It wasn’t the truth, not the exact truth, Zhaban knew her well enough to tell that, and she was hiding something. He pushed past it; hiding something as well.

“Offering?”

They kissed again, fitting together easily, and Zhaban didn’t want to stop. He was flushed in the face, the tips of his ears undoubtedly bright green, and only pulled back when Laris started to. Laris was just as flushed as he was and Zhaban didn’t know how to react to that.

“Better?”

“A little,” Laris shrugged, glancing out the window. It was getting pretty dark, past when they would usually go to bed. “I’m all done for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight. See you in the morning,” Zhaban replied, staying on his bed as she picked up her things. Laris paused in the doorway, turning back to look at him.

“See you in the morning.”

Once he was alone in his room, his door safely closed, Zhaban buried his face in his pillow. It wasn’t until Laris looked back at him that he realised why he reacted in the way he did. He knew why he got jealous when she mentioned Belak, he knew why she came into his head when she mentioned him liking someone, he knew why he enjoyed kissing her, he knew why he wanted to keep kissing her.

He was in love with her.

Hopefully it would go away soon.


	5. Chapter 5

Laris studied the test tubes carefully, writing down the numbers that appeared on the scale, trying to ignore the rest of her group. They were working in trios, which was rare for school, and Laris was not enjoying it. She usually worked with Zhaban for all of their projects, the two of them perfect partners, but every so often they had to work with other people. Neither of them enjoyed it, not trusting other people very much, but they managed it. Zhaban’s group was doing well, she could tell just by glancing over at them, but Laris was considering using some of the combat techniques Vollu had taught them the day before on the rest of her group.

“What are we meant to do after this?” Kilas asked, for the fifth time in two minutes. 

“Finish the final part of the report and then pack away,” she told him tiredly. It was almost the end of the day as well as the end of the project and she just wanted it to be over. Vollu and Sarreb were both away on missions again so her and Zhaban had an evening of doing nothing planned.

“How long do you think that will take?”

“Hopefully not long.”

For his own safety, he’d better hope it wasn’t long.

It didn’t take too long but any amount of time was too long when dealing with them. Laris was grateful for the evening without her handlers; meditation was difficult enough when she wasn’t full of anger at nothing in particular. Zhaban was waiting for her in the school library, they always walked to and from school together, but instead of sitting with a padd or one of the few actual books that students were allowed to use, he was talking to someone from his group. 

Something that felt strangely like jealousy struck her and Laris was momentarily blindsided by the strength of the emotion. There was no reason for her to be jealous, they both had friends outside of each other, there was nothing out of the ordinary about the snippets of the conversation she could hear, but that didn’t stop how she was feeling. Laris approached them, deciding to decipher whatever had caused it later, and smiled politely in greeting.

She knew the girl by name and face, Turri, black hair and Northern, and Zhaban had mentioned her a few times, but they had never spoken beyond being in similar classes and knowing some of the same people. Her and Zhaban had been partners for a history project the year before, Laris remembered vaguely. 

“Are you ready to go?” Zhaban asked when he noticed she was there, turning to smile at her in return and some of the jealousy died down. She nodded. “Great. See you tomorrow, Turri.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“You looked like you had a fun time with your group today,” he joked as they started walking home, safely away from any of their classmates that might overhear. “I thought you might be using the punch my mother taught us yesterday if Kilas didn’t shut up.”

“I thought I might too,” Laris replied, some more of the tension draining away as they resumed their normal routine. “I don’t know how he got into any of the classes he’s in.”

“Mother says one of his cousins is an advisor to the praetor.”

“That would explain it.”

The house was silent, thankfully, when they got home but it wasn’t as oppressive as it used to feel. She had Zhaban to talk to, she had someone that she cared about and cared for her around her all of the time. It felt strange going back home to her family and not having him always next to her, no matter how excited she was to see Rijain. Whenever she came back to the house, they spent most of the first night talking and catching up on everything that had happened over the two or three days they had been apart. It would be boring if she wasn’t talking to Zhaban.

“You looked a bit tense in the library,” Zhaban began. “Was Kilas really that bad today?”

“It’s just left me in a bad frame of mind,” she shrugged, not wanting to tell him about the jealousy she felt at just the sight of him talking to someone else. It felt almost possessive. Laris didn’t think she was possessive, she’d never had even the slightest problems with Zhaban having other friends, it would have been strange if he didn’t have other friends, but that much jealousy over one conversation was obviously wrong. “I’m alright.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

They settled on the sofa, bags to the side, shoes kicked off and uniform loosened to something more comfortable. Vollu didn’t allow them to look relaxed, or be relaxed, except for very specific circumstances. After so much time together, in school, in training, doing homework, going to each other after nightmares, with stresses, Laris felt the most comfortable when Zhaban was next to her. When they were left to their own devices, after school but before training or when Vollu and Sarreb were gone, they were practically attached at the hip. 

“Turri was telling me about your literature assignment,” Zhaban began. “It’s going to be a partner project, isn’t it? Do you think you will partner with her?”

“Maybe. She seemed good at your chemistry project,” Laris shrugged. “But anyone looks good in comparison to Kilas.”

“That’s fair,” he laughed. “Turri and I are doing the history project together, if you two partner up for the literature assignment we can all work in a group together.”

“You know, you talk about Turri a lot. Do you maybe have a crush on someone?”

There was a lot of panic and fear on his face and that was enough of an answer for Laris. It made her insides twist painfully at the idea of him having a crush but Laris hid it. She wasn’t going to bring anything up until she had figured out everything she was feeling. Telling Zhaban she was getting jealous for no reason over nothing at all would mean they were both confused.

“I don’t have a crush on Turri,” he told her quickly and there was even more panic when he realised his slip up. “I don’t have a crush on anyone.”

“You do have a crush! Who is it?”

“No one, Laris,” Zhaban said, clearly lying. “Can we just watch the film you picked?”

“Fine, but you need to tell me eventually,” Laris said, swatting his arm playfully before leaning against him again. Zhaban put the heavy blanket over them, the one usually saved for winter, and relaxed a little bit. “I need to make sure they’re good enough for you.”

“It’s no one, Laris.”

“Whatever you say.”

She pressed a few buttons on the control and the film she had picked, Zhaban having had the choice last time they were alone, came up on the screen. They fell silent, Zhaban still a little tense next to her but getting better, and watched as it continued. Laris wasn’t sure why she suddenly cared so much about it all and she knew the film well enough that most of her mind was occupied with working it out instead of paying attention. It wasn’t that she was worried he would stop paying attention to her; their positions on the sofa and plans for the rest of the day made that obvious. But she definitely would be scared of something that would put a stop nights like this, that would put a stop to all of the time they spent together.

Zhaban shifted slightly and her head was resting more firmly against his shoulder. Warmth went through her, content to spend the rest of the day there.

Oh.

_ Oh, no _ .

* * *

They were at the end of the chemistry project, getting the final results for their reports. He had enjoyed the project, finding it interesting and like the people in his group, both of them smart and capable. Laris hadn’t been so lucky. Ezka on her own wasn’t too bad; she wasn’t the best but she’d earned her position in the class and no one could deny that. Kilas was forgetful, stupid and clumsy, the worst combination for a chemistry class. Putting the two of them in a group meant that Laris was in a bad mood after every lesson. Zhaban couldn’t blame her. 

But it was the end of the project and they were home alone for the night, Laris’ turn to pick the film, and then she would never have to work in a group with them again.

His group finished earlier than most and Zhaban went straight to the library to wait for Laris. Turri went with him, waiting for her older brother to finish whatever class he was in. They continued their conversation from class, about how they thought the project went and what they thought the next would be on, making sure to keep their voices down when they were actually there. Librarians were a thousand times scarier than any of their teachers. 

It was not much longer before Laris arrived, impressive bearing in mind the rest of her group, looking tense. There was a strange expression on her face but it was gone in less than a second. Zhaban assumed it had something to do with the lesson. He smiled at her as she walked over, hoping to cheer her up a bit.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked and she nodded. “Great. See you tomorrow, Turri.”

“See you tomorrow.”

Turri had been his partner on a history project the year before and had, initially, assumed that he and Laris were together. Zhaban was proud of how casually he managed to deny it. It wasn’t a lie, not by any stretch of the imagination, but he didn’t want to accidentally reveal that he wanted to. Back then it had been a year since he and Laris kissed and he hadn’t gotten over his feelings. Now it was two years and, if anything, his feelings had just gotten worse. If he wasn’t so focused on dealing with his feelings he would probably be annoyed about the fact that Laris was right about first kisses. Instead the thought of it made his stomach fill with butterflies.

“You looked like you had a fun time with your group today,” he joked, wanting to think about something else. “I thought you might be using the punch my mother taught us yesterday if Kilas didn’t shut up.”

“I thought I might too. I don’t know how he got into any of the classes he’s in.”

“Mother says one of his cousins is an advisor to the praetor.”

“That would explain it.”

She was looking a little happier and Zhaban congratulated himself mentally. One they got home, a film and no training to do, Laris would probably feel more like herself again but he had helped somewhat. He remembered reading something when he was young about love meaning you could only be truly happy if the other person was also happy. When he’d applied it to when his saw his parents together he thought he might understand a little better why they were always miserable together. Now he knew about his feelings for Laris, Zhaban felt a little more optimistic. 

He was worried again when they settled on the sofa and Laris still looked stressed, the expression from earlier back for a brief moment. 

“You looked a little tense in the library,” he began. “Was Kilas really that bad today?”

“It’s just left me in a bad frame of mind,” Laris shrugged. “I’m alright.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

As they relaxed a little more, uniform adjusted to be more comfortable, bags dumped to the side, shoes kicked off, Zhaban tried to think of something to make it better. Something to make her think of school with a little less contempt and irritation. It couldn’t be healthy to hold it all in, Zhaban knew her well enough to know when Laris was lying and she wasn’t alright.

“Turri was telling me about your literature assignment. It’s going to be a partner project, isn’t it? Do you think you will partner with her?” he suggested. A good partner would definitely help her mood and though her grades didn’t need any help, it wouldn’t hurt. 

“Maybe,” Laris shrugged again. “She seemed good at your chemistry project. But anyone looks good in comparison to Kilas.”

Zhaban laughed.

“That’s fair. Turri and I are doing the history project together, if you partner up for the literature assignment we can all work in a group together.”

The new expression on Laris’ face was one he knew very well. Zhaban saw it every time that Laris was a second away from knocking him down in training and knew he couldn’t stop her. It was almost predatory in a way that made him fear for his life even if he trusted her above everyone. He doubted she was going to suggest training, not when they were all settled down already, so it was going to be some other victory.

“You know,” Laris said in a casual tone that did not reassure Zhaban. “You talk about Turri a lot. Do you maybe have a crush on someone?”

Terror shot through him. He’d done his best to be subtle in the two years since they’d kissed, though he had never really been able to lie to her. There was no way he was telling Laris that she was his crush but then the fact that she thought he liked Turri crashed into him. For someone so observant, and could read him like a book, it seemed strange that she could make a mistake like that.

“I don’t have a crush on Turri,” he blurted out, not lying. When Laris grinned at him, Zhaban realised his mistake. “I don’t have a crush on anyone.”

He really couldn’t lie to her.

“You do have a crush!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

“No one, Laris,” he tried again, not quite able to meet her eyes. “Can we just watch the film you picked?”

“Fine,” Laris relented. She sat up to swat his arm before going back to lean against him. Zhaban covered them with her favourite blanket, big and heavy and wonderfully warm in winter, and tried to calm his racing heart. “But you need to tell me eventually. I need to make sure they’re good enough for you.”

“It’s no one, Laris.”

“Whatever you say.”

The placating tone rankled him a bit but the film was starting and Laris was leaned against him, still unaware of his feelings. And Zhaban was touched to hear her plans for whoever his ‘crush’ was. It wasn’t entirely the fear of rejection that had stopped him confessing, two years of feeling the same way had told him it wasn’t going to go away, but the fear of losing their friendship in the process. He would happily endure a few brief, panicked moments to just stay friends with Laris. 


	6. Chapter 6

Zhaban punched the heavy bag continuously, controlling his breathing carefully, and almost didn’t notice when his mother walked into the training room. Laris had gone to visit her family before they had their final exams and he was feeling a little overwhelmed. When Laris was home it was easy to forget about all of his worries; it was easy to forget about everything when Laris was there. But she was gone until after the exams and after exams, so long as they passed, they would be official Tal Shiar recruits and have even less time to spend together.

“Did you stretch?” Vollu asked. “You don’t want to injure yourself right before exams.”

“I did stretch, mother,” he replied, continuing to punch. “I won’t do anything reckless.”

“Good. Tal Shiar agents should never be reckless. Next month, when you’re a recruit, you will need to remember that.”

“Yes, mother,” Zhaban said. He didn’t stop punching. His muscles were burning from the effort but he didn’t stop. It was taking his attention off of everything else. “I’ll remember that.”

“Your father and I will talk to you tonight about your examinations before dinner. I’ve been assured that Laris’ parents are also talking to her tonight. Continue your training, if you want to.”

She left the room and Zhaban kept going. He wasn’t sure what his parents wanted to talk about. For his entire life they had been telling him about final exams, sixteen years of him listening to their advice and warning, and somehow, two weeks before they started, there was more they needed to tell him. The fact that Laris’ parents were also talking to her tonight and that they felt the need to check with each other was strange. A few more minutes of punching the bag and he stopped, everything his mother had said, and implied, racing around his head.

He went back to his room and turned on his computer, calling Laris. They had agreed to talk in an hour but he found he couldn’t wait much longer. It only took a few seconds before she answered the call, appearing as a hologram in front of him. She looked surprised to see him, more so than he expected for it just being an earlier call.

“Hey, um, is there a reason you’re not wearing a shirt?” Laris asked him, not quite looking at him. Zhaban glanced down and realised that, in his rush to call her, he’d forgotten to get dressed.

“Sorry, I just finished training. Give me a second.”

He grabbed a shirt from his drawer, a slightly looser one since he was still warm after exercising for an hour, pulling it on hurriedly to get back to the call. Laris looked like she was sitting in her room, also on her bed, and smiled at him when he re-appeared in front of her. It made his stomach flip over and he felt even warmer than he had earlier. 

“I thought we weren’t talking for another hour,” she said. “Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I was talking to my mother just now. She said that her and my father are talking to me before dinner about the final exams and that your parents are talking to you as well. I assume about the same thing,”

“What else are they going to tell us? Even Ri has nothing new to tell me anymore,” Laris replied. “He’s trying to, but nothing is new.”

“I have no idea,” Zhaban said, “What they’re going to tell us. It seemed weird how she told me that they were going to talk to me. Did your parents talk to Rijain before his exams?”

“No. Or, at least, he’s not told me that they did. And I feel like he would have done by now. My parents haven’t mentioned anything yet.”

They sat quietly for a little bit, thinking it over. It was almost like Laris was back, the two of them together like they normally would be, in his room, but it just felt wrong. Within a few weeks they wouldn’t have much time together. Zhaban was hoping that at some point in their official training they would be partners in something, so they could work together. He worked best with Laris, he knew that, and he enjoyed working with Laris the most. Once they were full agents, they would inevitably work on a mission together, he knew logically that they would. But that was still years away. 

“How did your training go? Can’t be much fun by yourself.”

“It was good. Not as fun without you, you’re right. Did you and Rijain spar this morning?”

“Yeah, there’s not a lot of things that are more fun than knocking down my brother for two hours,” she grinned. Zhaban laughed.

“Did you not let him win even once?”

“Of course not. Have I ever gone easy on you?”

“Your brother hasn’t spent every day of the past six years sparring with you,” Zhaban pointed out. “You don’t need to go easy on me.”

There was a bit of commotion behind Laris, her door opening and her brother coming in, and she moved quickly. Rijain waved to him enthusiastically over Laris’ head as she told him to get out, saying that she regretted giving him her passwords. From what Laris had complained about to him, that was a normal interaction between them. Zhaban wondered what it would be like if he had grown up with a sibling. He wouldn’t have met Laris and that was enough for him to not want a sibling.

“Why can’t I say hello to your friend, little one?” Rijain teased. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Just get out, Ri,” Laris told him, shoving him gently. “I’m talking to Zhaban.”

“Well, mum and dad want to talk to you so whilst you’re busy, I can keep Zhaban company,” he replied. Laris sighed. 

“I’ll talk to you later,” she told Zhaban apologetically. “Sorry for this.”

“It’s alright. I’ll see you later.”

The call was cut off and Zhaban was left on his own. He immediately felt lonely, wanting to start the call again and not doing it because he was fairly certain that Rijain would be the one to answer. The other boy wasn’t particularly negative to him but Zhaban got the feeling that Rijain didn’t trust him. He wasn’t sure why, but it was probably because him and Laris spent so much time together, practically attached at the hip. 

* * *

She felt strange not having Zhaban next to her, so accustomed to turning to her side and just having him there. Sparring with Ri had been a good distraction and beating him every round for two hours had definitely improved her mood. The upcoming final exams were a constant source of stress and Laris was doing her best to not think about it. She was prepared for it all, it was just the wait that was killing her. 

She was sitting on her bed, reading a book her grandmother had given her when she was young, when a call came in from Zhaban. Laris checked the time, it was about an hour before they had agreed to talk, before answering. To her surprise, when Zhaban appeared in front of her in the hologram, he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Hey, um, is there a reason you’re not wearing a shirt?” she asked. He looked down as if he hadn’t noticed he was shirtless before she’d spoken. Laris was glad that he was distracted because it meant he didn’t see how her cheeks and ears were tinged green.

“Sorry, I just finished training,” Zhaban explained, getting up from where he was sitting. “Give me a second.”

It was a few seconds whilst she waited, hearing him move around in his room and getting dressed. Laris smiled at him when he came back, glad that her blush had gone away, studying him if he was upset. She couldn’t tell just from looking at him, which was enough for her to think that he was probably okay, but over a call she might miss something. 

“I thought we weren’t talking for another hour,” she said. “Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Zhaban reassured her. “I was talking to my mother just now. She said that her and my father are talking to me before dinner about the final exams and that your parents are talking to you as well. I assume about the same thing.”

“What else are they going to tell us?” Laris asked curiously. “Even Ri has nothing new to tell me anymore. He’s trying to, but nothing is new.”

He shrugged.

“I have no idea what they’re going to tell us. It seemed weird how she told me that they were going to talk to me. Did your parents talk to Rijain before his exams?”

“No. Or, at least, he’s not told me that they did. And I feel like he would have done by now. My parents haven’t mentioned anything yet.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. She’d only left two days before, staying with her family before they started final exams, but she missed him a lot already. Laris looked over Zhaban again. He didn’t look too tired, physically tired, yes, but he’d just been training, so hopefully he was sleeping okay. They couldn’t go into each other’s room if they had a nightmare at the moment but Laris trusted that he would have told her. 

“How did your training go?” she asked. “Can’t be much fun by yourself.”

“It was good. Not as fun without you, you’re right,” Zhaban replied. Warmth bloomed in her chest. “Did you and Rijain spar this morning?”

“Yeah, there’s not a lot of things that are more fun than knocking down my brother for two hours.”

“Did you not let him win even once?” Zhaban asked.

“Of course not. Have I ever gone easy on you?”

“Your brother hasn’t spent every day of the past six years sparring with you. You don’t need to go easy on me.”

He made a good point but before Laris could answer, her door opened and Ri burst in. She felt the familiar burst of irritation when she saw him. Laris got up and began to try and push him out of her room. He started waving at Zhaban, who waved back feebly in response.

“Get out. Get out. I should never have given you my passwords,” she said through gritted teeth. “Get out.”

“Why can’t I say hello to your friend, little one?” Rijain teased her. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, mum and dad want to talk to you so whilst you’re busy, I can keep Zhaban company.”

She knew what conversation was coming, at least the general idea of what it was going to be about, and wasn’t particularly thrilled about it. Not only was it going to be an intense conversation, but it was also cutting her call with Zhaban very short. She sighed, turning back to Zhaban who was waiting patiently.

“I’ll talk to you later. Sorry for this.”

“It’s alright. I’ll see you later.”

Laris went downstairs to the kitchen where her parents were waiting. It was always a little tense for the first few days when she came back. Their lives had adapted to her not living with them anymore and there was the constant knowledge of what she was training to become. The Tal Shiar didn’t have much of an opinion on the mining industry, their interests had been aligned for generations, Volluhad told her, so it wasn’t like her parents were worried about her ever targeting them. It was just the idea of her training to become an assassin that they struggled to comprehend. 

“Good, you’re here, this shouldn’t take too long,” her mother said. “Just sit down, we need to talk to you about your final examinations. Vollu and Sarreb contacted us the other day to tell us. You know that there are five days of examinations, don’t you?”

“Of course.”

She’d been told that constantly. They weren’t allowed to know what the days entailed but she knew that much.

“You will have an extra day for what Vollu and Sarreb have been teaching you in your extra sessions. It will help place you for your official training.”

“Okay.”

“Also, when you start official training, you’ll still be living with Vollu and Sarreb so they can continue to monitor you,” her mother continued. “But you are allowed to leave whenever you want.”

“I can visit you more often?” Laris asked hopefully.

“If you choose to.”


	7. Chapter 7

Laris paced in her room. 

She wasn’t nervous, Tal Shiar agents didn’t get nervous and she was now officially a recruit, but waiting for Zhaban to come back, waiting to learn he would come back, was pushing her to the limit. It had been an hour since her parents had dropped her off, feeling uncomfortably similar to the first time that Laris had met Zhaban, and only Sarreb was there, telling her that he hadn’t heard any news. Laris didn’t doubt that Zhaban would fail his examination, they were the same level in everything, but irrational fears continued to pile up whilst she waited. There was nothing she could do to distract herself but she had certainly tried.

Just as Laris was about to go down to the training room to get rid of her excess energy, not nervous energy, her door slid open and Zhaban stepped inside, grinning. As soon as the door slid shut again, Laris threw herself at Zhaban for a hug, laughing. He caught her easily, holding her to him tightly. 

“Were you worried about me?” he teased, not putting her down on the floor yet. Laris laughed, swatting at him. 

“You were taking a long time,” she replied. “What happened to always being punctual like your mother taught us, hm?”

“She stayed for a while to talk to someone,” Zhaban shrugged. “It seemed rude to leave without her.”

“Always so polite.”

He lowered her to the ground but they remained in each other’s arms still. Laris didn’t want to let go, not after she had panicked over his results for an hour. It felt good to hold him, resting her head on his shoulder, and she was trying to hold back a little bit, not wanting him to realise it was more than platonic, but Laris couldn’t bring herself to do it. Now that they were official recruits, it was like the final nail in the coffin in the fact that she could never confess.

“How did your examinations go?” he asked quietly. His hands were wrapped around her waist loosely, fingers tapping in a nonsensical rhythm. It was a little distracting. “Was it alright?”

“Not too bad,” she shrugged. He kept tapping her waist and Laris was beginning to find a pattern in it. “Your parents trained us well.”

“They’ll be thrilled to hear such a kind appraisal of their abilities,” Zhaban joked. They both laughed and she felt it reverberating through her. The overwhelming relief she had felt when he appeared was still coursing through her and had triggered an adrenaline rush that was making her hands tremble.

“What about you?”

“Not too bad,” he replied, mimicking her casual tone of voice. Laris laughed again. “We’re official recruits now. It feels strange.”

“It feels like something should have changed, but nothing has,” she agreed. 

Laris looked up at him just as he was looking down, their noses brushing together and faces alarmingly close together. For a brief moment Laris had to fight the impulse to lean in and kiss him and panic shot through her at the idea. She couldn’t risk showing those emotions anymore, not just out of fear of losing Zhaban but it would put them both in danger. They both took a step back, breaking apart, and Laris felt the loss immediately. 

“I got you this for passing everything,” Zhaban told her awkwardly, pulling a small package out of his pocket. “I thought you would like it.”

“I’ve got you something as well,” Laris remembered, glad to have something to do, and went over to her desk drawer. She’d spent an embarrassingly long amount of time picking it out and had carefully wrapped it.

Eventually she’d decided on an actual photograph, a physical copy of it, of the two of them when they had finished their first year of school together. At age eleven, they were grinning at the camera Ri was using, dressed in their school uniforms, arms wrapped around each other. Laris looked back at the picture frequently, especially in the weeks leading up to their examinations, and couldn’t think of anything better suited as a present for Zhaban. She didn’t look at Zhaban when he opened the present, too nervous, though she wouldn’t admit it even to herself, and focused on the present in her hands.

When she opened up the paper, she saw a very familiar picture in a simple frame and she laughed. Zhaban, having opened his own present, was grinning at her in disbelief at the coincidence. 

“What’s that human expression?” Zhaban asked. “Great minds think alike?”

“Every so often they get something right.”

Laris carefully placed the frame on her desk, making sure it was angled in a way that she could see it easily. Her and Zhaban embraced one more time, her stomach flipping pleasantly at the touch, before he left, both of them saying goodbye until dinner. She turned her attention back to the picture. It had been important to her for years, secretly, of course, but it had never occurred to her that Zhaban would also think it was important. It was genuinely surprising, something they hadn’t been to each other in years, and her heart was warm at the idea he cared as much, even if their feelings weren’t the same. 

* * *

Zhaban waited politely, with his impatience carefully hidden, as his mother spoke to one of her colleagues they had bumped into leaving. He was desperate to get home, to see Laris in person again for the first time in literal weeks. Being alone in the house, even with his parents he was alone without Laris, had been hell and the stress of examinations hadn’t made it any easier. His hands were in his pockets, hiding how he was clenching them into fists, and everything about his outwards appearance made him seem politely relaxed. 

“We’ll be going home now, Zhaban,” she told him, finally ending the conversation. He nodded in acknowledgement and they began walking down the street. 

He knew Laris would already be at the house, if she had passed which he knew she would have done, and he felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin, desperate to see her again. Zhaban knew he would have to tone it down a bit when he got home, otherwise Laris would immediately realise his feelings and he’d spent too long hiding them for that to happen. His mother was silent as they walked, she’d congratulated him once when they’d first gotten his results and that was it, and Zhaban didn’t mind it. He needed time to organise his thoughts and being interrogated by his mother wouldn’t help. Besides, both her and his father were going to ask a million questions over dinner for him and Laris to answer together.

“Congratulations, Zhaban,” his father said when they arrived home, clapping a hand on his shoulder. It was the closest his parents came to affection and Zhaban treasured it. “Laris got here an hour ago, she’ll be in her room if you want to talk to her.”

Before going to Laris’ room, he went to his own. First of all, to get changed into more comfortable clothes than what he was currently wearing. The other reason was to get Laris’ present from where he had hidden it. There was no reason, really, to hide it; his parents weren’t going to look through his things for it, they wouldn’t care, and Laris had only gotten back an hour ago and had doubtfully been in his room. 

Zhaban had spent longer than he would ever be willing to admit trying to come up with a gift. What he’d finally decided on, after a lot of deliberation, was a picture, an actual, physical photograph in a small black frame, of him and Laris. It had been taken by Laris’ brother, Rijain, when they had just finished their first year of school together. They had their arms around each other, in their school uniforms, slightly messed up, and were grinning widely. He looked at the picture frequently, the memories around it very dear to his heart. 

When he approached Laris’ door, he slipped the package into his pocket. As soon as the door closed behind him, Laris threw herself at him for a hug. He caught her easily, wrapping his arms tightly around her, and was glad that he had put the present away. They were quiet for a moment, savouring the feel of the hug. 

“Were you worried about me?”

“You were taking a long time,” Laris told him and he felt a brief stab of guilt. “What happened to always being punctual like your mother taught us, hm?”

“She stayed for a while to talk to someone. It seemed rude to leave without her.”

“Always so polite.”

Zhaban lowered her to the ground carefully, her legs unwrapping from around his waist, but they remained holding each other. Laris’ head was resting on his shoulder in such an affectionate way that he had to fight to keep his heartbeat steady. He tapped her waist nervously.

“How did your examinations go? Was it alright?”

“Not too bad. Your parents trained us well.”

“They’ll be thrilled to hear such a kind appraisal of their abilities.”

“What about you?” she asked him, her hands around him trembling a little bit. He wasn’t sure why.

“Not too bad,” Zhaban said, copying her tone. It made her laugh and he grinned. “We’re official recruits now. It feels strange.”

“It feels like something should have changed, but nothing has.”

He looked down at her, about to say something else, just as Laris was looking up. Their noses brushed together and Zhaban held back the impulse to close the gap between them and kiss her. They both stepped back quickly and he tried to think of something to distract them both from what had just happened, or almost happened. Luckily, Zhaban remembered the picture, his hand going to his pocket in relief.

“I got you this for passing everything,” he said awkwardly. He handed her the package. “I thought you would like it.”

“I’ve got you something as well.”

She went over to her desk, pulling out a similarly sized package from one of her drawers. Zhaban took it carefully, undoing the wrapping, taking a note of how delicately Laris had wrapped it. Inside, in a small frame, he saw a familiar photograph. He grinned at Laris, smile becoming even wider at her delighted laugh, and they were content to back in the coincidence for a moment.

“What’s that human expression?” he asked jokingly. “Great minds think alike?”

“Every so often they get something right,” Laris replied.

She put the frame on her desk and they hugged again, the tension from briefly gone. His heart swelled at the touch. 

“I’ll see you at dinner,” she told him and he nodded, clutching the photograph tightly.

Zhaban went back into his room, staring at the photograph, unable to tear his gaze away. The picture was important to him, it had been since the first time he saw it, but he hadn’t expected that Laris would also consider it so important to herself. He knew they were closest with each other, though the feelings weren’t entirely platonic on his side, but it took his breath away to be reminded of how much Laris cared.


	8. Chapter 8

Zhaban adjusted his uniform in the mirror, looking over it critically. It was a typical military recruit’s uniform; they couldn’t exactly go around wearing signs that said ‘Tal Shiar Recruit’ - it would go against the entire point of the organisation. There was exactly one holo in the house, of which he knew that he used for reference, of his mother in her uniform. It was strange to see her looking so young, so similar to him he was surprised to see, but he would never dare to tell her anything like that. He had, of course, told Laris who thought it was very funny. 

“Are you ready yet?” she asked him, walking into his room. “Your mother will be getting impatient soon.”

“What do you think?” he asked, spreading his arms out wide. Laris looked over him briefly before tutting. Zhaban couldn’t help but grin affectionately.

She adjusted his collar, his heartbeat skyrocketing when her fingers accidentally brushed against his neck, and combed through his hair, somehow stopping it from sticking up in the back. He still didn’t know how she did that and Laris refused to tell him. With one more look at him, taking a step back to make sure she hadn’t missed anything, she nodded approvingly. 

“I suppose you’ll do.”

“What a wonderful boost of confidence for me,” she teased. Laris laughed. “I really appreciate that. It helps.”

“I’m glad.”

They walked down to the front room where Vollu and Sarreb were waiting for them. Vollu studied them carefully before nodding in a far more critical way than Laris had done so only minutes before. Zhaban straightened up automatically, staring ahead blankly. Laris also straightened up but he could feel her irritation at it. Her parents were far looser with rules and his parents were far too strict.

“You two should leave now,” his mother told them. “It’s better to be early than late. Go on, your new trainer is known for being very punctual.”

“Yes, mother. See you tonight.”

“Yes, Vollu.”

It felt like a relief to leave the house, even though they were suddenly on high alert for any other threats like Vollu and Sarreb had drilled into their heads. They were unlikely to be attacked randomly in the street before even getting to their first training session but Zhaban knew there was still some chance of something happening. And even though he knew that, he was still relieved to be out of the house. Laris had lightened up as well.

“I assume that means your mother knows our new trainer,” Laris said as they turned a few corners. “How do you think that will work?”

“They’ll be stricter on us,” he shrugged. “But I think we already knew that.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t imagine they would ever go easy on any recruit, but definitely not on us.”

He chuckled.

The streets weren’t busy this early in the morning but in the capital there were always people walking about. Zhaban knew that there were a few hundred types of jobs in the capital that meant people would be out and about at any hour for no suspicious reasons, but he still watched them carefully. Laris was doing the same, slightly more subtly he was proud to notice, as they walked. It was always better to have someone watching his back and it would be hard to trust anyone but Laris to do that.

There was a small entryway in one of the military training bases that they were supposed to go through. It was why they were in military uniform; no one would question a few recruits walking around a military base. After years of training neither of them were concerned that they would be tailed but they looked over their shoulders, proverbially, anyway. Laris went through the door first, Zhaban holding it open for her out of habit.

An operative was waiting for them.

He recognised the man as an operative immediately. There was no one specific thing that tipped Zhaban off but something about the man reminded him of his mother. The hair on the back of his neck went up just looking at him. Laris reacted in a similar way, her eyes hardening and the line of her mouth tightened. Zhaban couldn’t quite figure out if she was doing it out of respect or if she was just a little bit annoyed at the way they had to respect someone they hadn’t met before. Respect was a very big deal in her family.

“You on the left, you on the right,” he told them strictly. 

Zhaban went down the hallway, through the door to the left, and Laris went through the door to the right. He knew not to look back at Laris when they separated. They weren’t allowed to have emotional attachments, especially not to each other, and showing that on the first day would be a very bad, very dangerous, idea. Laris didn’t look back at him either, he knew she wouldn’t, and they were split up.

In the room were fifteen other recruits, sitting neatly. He took his seat, noticing that there were still ten empty seats. Another operative was standing at the front of the room, staring at them. They were in silence for a long time as more and more people joined the room. Everyone was sixteen, having finished their final examinations at the same time, and most of them would have been trained for at least three years by their handlers. Very few of them would have had the training he and Laris had had but there would be at least a handful of them. 

“You are all official recruits of the Tal Shiar,” the operative began once everyone was sitting down, her voice commanding. “You know your handlers and you know the level of skill that we require. You also know what will happen if you do not meet our expectations.

“Your loyalties are not to your handlers or your families, but to the State. Your handlers may defect, your families may turn to treason when pushed and broken, but the State works only for the benefit of the Romulan Empire.  _ That _ is who you serve in the Tal Shiar. No relationship, no bond, is more important to that service, as you already know.”

An image of Laris popped into his mind at the mention of bonds, momentarily distracting him. It had happened so often over the years that Zhaban knew he hid it, but there was still that constant fear of losing her now that they were official recruits. Serving the State had been the only thing he’d spent his life preparing for but at the idea of losing Laris, he doubted it for a moment.

No one could ever know that, especially Laris. 

* * *

Laris walked to Zhaban’s room, her uniform feeling a little stiff since it was the first time she had properly worn it, and opened the door casually. He was standing in front of his mirror messing with his own uniform, fidgeting so much that he was making it look worse. At her entrance, he looked over at her. 

“Are you ready yet? Your mother will be getting impatient soon.”

“What do you think?”

He stepped back from the mirror, spreading his arms out, showing off his uniform. It suited him well, Laris was able to admit that only to herself, but she couldn’t say that without revealing a lot of other things to him that she’d preferred to keep secret. Instead she glanced over in him, taking in his messy collar and tutted. As she moved closer she thought she caught sight of him grinning and she had to fight the feeling of butterflies erupting in her stomach.

Laris adjusted his collar, accidentally brushing over his neck which sent a wave of warmth going through her. The hair on the back of his head was sticking up in the way it had been when they first met and at least once a month, every month, since that time. She personally thought that it made Zhaban look adorable but that wasn’t a sought-after trait when joining the Tal Shiar. Ignoring her rapidly increasing heartbeat, like she did every time, Laris combed her fingers through his hair, helping it lie flat. Then, she took a step back and nodded at him.

“I suppose you’ll do.”

“What a wonderful boost of confidence for me. I really appreciate that. It helps.”

“I’m glad,” she laughed. 

Vollu and Sarreb were waiting for them in the living room, expectant like they always were. It grated on Laris how they treated her and Zhaban, mostly Zhaban. She knew Vollu considered her to be the better trainee, and in about half of their tasks she was, but her own son was treated as less than. The worst part was that Zhaban seemed to think that it was normal and perfectly acceptable, finding the way that her own family acted strange. She listened politely as Vollu spoke to them, holding back an eye roll.

“Yes, mother. See you tonight,” Zhaban said, getting Laris’ attention.

“Yes, Vollu.”

They left the house, walking together a little closer than most people did. It was still early and, even in the capital, it wasn’t particularly busy. Zhaban, who had only ever lived in the capital as opposed to Laris who had been off-planet to the mines her family owned and visited some of her relatives, was always surprised when streets weren’t completely full.

“I assume that means your mother knows our new trainer. How do you think that will work?”

“They’ll be stricter on us. But I think we already knew that.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t imagine they would ever go easy on any recruit,” Laris said, “But definitely not on us.”

They were approaching the military base that was being used for their training, going down the side of the building. A large part of their training involved being taught how to act confident in any situation. If someone looked confident, they were much less likely to be questioned or noticed. Since they were in military uniform and acting like they were supposed to be there, no one blinked an eye at their presence. The door was hidden to the side, not completely hidden otherwise people might actually search for it, and Zhaban held it open for her.

An operative was waiting for them inside. Laris wasn’t thrilled about the Tal Shiar’s policy on every operative getting complete respect, no question. In her family, and most of the families she grew up around before coming to live with Zhaban, you had to try hard to earn respect, it wasn’t automatically given to someone high-ranking. And Laris knew how to hide her anger at it but that didn’t mean she was happy about it. 

“You on the left,” he said, looking at Zhaban. He turned his attention to Laris. “You on the right.”

Going down the hallway, they didn’t look at each other. They were obviously being monitored and couldn’t show any affection to each other. Not even when they went into their separate rooms did they glance back, though Laris wanted to. She knew Zhaban didn’t look back either, she trusted him to control any affection that they had for each other.

Inside the room were around fifteen recruits, all about the same age, with ten empty seats. Laris sat down quietly, making a point to not look at the others. A few faces she saw when she first came into the room were familiar, the children or wards of people that Vollu and Sarreb knew, but some were complete strangers to her. The operative at the front of the room watched them sitting in silence, her gaze piercing and hard. It was unnerving and uncomfortably familiar to Vollu’s.

“You are all official recruits of the Tal Shiar,” she said once everyone was in the room, drawing everyone’s full attention. 


	9. Chapter 9

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s shoulder dislocate like that,” Zhaban shuddered, laying dramatically on the bed. “I didn’t realise it could get stuck sticking out!”

“Really?” Laris asked. “It happened to Ri a couple of years ago. Yeah, the shoulder dislocates, then the ball drops down and you can’t lower it any further because the ball’s in the way. You wouldn’t believe the amount of painkillers they had to give him. Took about three people to put it back into place.”

“Thank you for that horrifying thought. I’m sure that will help me sleep tonight.”

She laughed, lying down next to him. They were at her house, having a rare day off from intense training, and had just come up from dinner. Laris had enjoyed being able to visit her parents more often, not needing to ask permission from Vollu and Sarreb, but having Zhaban over made it even better. The only problem was that Ri had made it his mission to make Zhaban as uncomfortable as possible and to embarrass Laris. It was usual sibling things, a little childish considering they were seventeen and he was approaching twenty-one, and as irritating as it was, she could appreciate that it was normal, something that she would have experienced earlier on if she’d stayed at home. 

There was a loud thud against the door a second after an alert went through that went through that an incorrect password had been entered. Ri shouted in surprise, banging on the door even louder. Laris smirked at Zhaban who was also grinning at her.

“You changed the password!” Ri yelled. “What the hell, Laris? Why did you change it?”

“You kept walking in here and annoying us,” she shouted back.

“So?”

Laris groaned, covering her face with her pillow to muffle the sound, as Zhaban laughed at her. He pulled the pillow off her face and they both sat up. The second that Laris unlocked the door, Ri burst in, torn between anger and laughter. For a moment they all stared in silence. After an entire day of Ri being annoying, Zhaban had stiffened slightly and Lars knew he was hoping her brother would go away as soon as possible.

“You shouldn’t lock your door, you know,” Ri told her. Laris knew there was a lot more for him to say. “Mum and dad won’t be happy about it if they find out.”

“And why’s that?”

“Well, I have to follow an open door policy when Vena’s over,” he said.

Vena was Ri’s girlfriend, her family worked in similar circles, and they’d been together for just over a year, Laris had only met her a handful of times and thought that she was nice, very well-suited to Ri. The open door policy had been implemented when their grandmother walked in on the two of them doing something that she never wanted to see. Laris had laughed for an hour when she heard the story and immediately told Zhaban. She wasn’t sure what the open door policy had to do with the two of them.

“So?”

“So, it makes sense that you two have to follow an open door policy.”

Laris gaped at him, shocked, before looking at Zhaban who was also surprised. She wasn’t sure why her brother had assumed they were together. They spent a lot of time together but they’d spent the past seven years in the same house, it made sense that they’d be close. There was a slight moment of panic where she worried that her family had somehow learned what her real feelings were. Logically, she knew that if a family of Tal Shiar operatives that she lived with full time hadn’t figured them out, her family who only saw her once every few months probably didn’t know.

It was just Ri making a joke at their expense, an easy joke, he probably thought, but her panic about her feelings for Zhaban made that fly over her head. Zhaban had made his face go politely blank and turned back to Ri. Laris calmed herself and focused on her brother.

“Are you not … together?”

“No,” they told him in unison.

“Alright, you can keep the door closed,” Ri told him. He went to leave the room before sticking his head back in. “For now.”

Laris gave the computer the command to shut the door, locking it securely. They laid back on the bed, twisting to lie on their sides and face each other, and she couldn’t quite remember what they had been talking about. She knew that she had been feeling much more relaxed before Ri came into the room. Now that they were official recruits, Laris found it much easier to hide her feelings, especially since they rarely trained together. She missed the time they used to have but it meant that Laris treasured the time they had now. 

“Were you being serious when you said his arm got stuck dislocated?” Zhaban asked her, almost whispering in horror. She giggled a little at the reminder of their conversation and his fixation on it. “It’s not funny, Laris, it sounds awful.”

“Yeah, and you didn’t even hear the noise when it popped out.”

“Why would you tell me that? Do you hate me?”

“Of course not. Do you hate me?”

“Despite how this conversation is going, no, I don’t.”

“I feel so special,” she teased, nudging his leg with her own. “You just have such a way with words.”

Instead of responding, Zhaban reached over and tickled her sides, making her squeal. Laris kicked his leg for that, unable to stop herself from laughing. They wrestled on the bed for a while until they broke apart, gasping for breaths between laughs. She was back to feeling relaxed again, comfortable to spend the whole night next to Zhaban. Even though they got away with it at his house, she doubted her parents would be happy with it, especially after Ri and Vena got caught.

“I’m gonna go to bed. I don’t really want to push it any further with your family,” Zhaban told her after they fell silent. “Your grandmother kept looking at me like I was scum and that I was going to steal you away.”

“To her, you already did,” she grinned. Her grandmother definitely did not like Zhaban, at all. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning.”

He left the room and, once Laris was alone, she curled up in the bed and tried to push down her feelings of disappointment and loneliness. They’d shared a bed a lot, when one of them had a nightmare and didn’t want to be alone or they were so tired they didn’t see the point in leaving, and every time they did, Laris spent nights missing him afterwards. 

* * *

Having gotten to Laris’ parents house, Zhaban was still focusing on the injury he’d seen in training that morning. It had been obviously painful and serious, their trainers stopping them immediately and taking the recruit straight to the medical room. Laris had barely batted an eye and didn't struggle in getting back into sparring matches with her partner who really struggled to get back into it. For a while, he was distracted from the memory over dinner where Zhaban felt like he was being interrogated by Laris’ grandmother and, to a lesser extent, her brother.

Now they were in her room, sitting on her bed to talk, and Zhaban couldn’t get it out of his head.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s shoulder dislocate like that. I didn’t realise it could get stuck sticking out.”

He fell backwards on the bed, smiling as Laris raised a teasing eyebrow at him. 

“Really? It happened to Ri a couple of years ago. Yeah, the shoulder dislocates, then the ball drops down and you can’t lower it any further because the ball’s in the way. You wouldn’t believe the amount of painkillers they had to give him. Took about three people to put it back into place.”

Zhaban shivered and glared at her. It didn’t have any heat or malice in it, it never did. “Thank you for that horrifying thought. I’m sure that will help me sleep tonight.”

She laid next to him, laughing, and they were close enough that their sides were touching. As he was about to start talking again, an alert came through on the computer a second before there was a thud against the door. Rijain shouted in surprise from the outside. Laris smirked proudly. 

“You changed the password! What the hell, Laris? Why did you change it?”

“You kept walking in here and annoying us!”

“So?”

Laris grabbed the pillow underneath her head and groaned into it, the noise muffled. He laughed and took the pillow away, the both of them sitting upright, knees knocking together. Laris put in a command and the door opened, Rijain coming in immediately as if he’d been leaning against it. Zhaban tried not to laugh and hoped Rijain would leave quickly.

“You shouldn’t lock your door, you know. Mum and dad won’t be happy about it if they find out.”

“And why’s that?” Laris asked almost accusingly. 

“Well, I have to follow an open door policy when Vena’s over.”

It took Zhaban a moment to place the name. His girlfriend. Laris hadn’t mentioned much about her but the few pieces had been positive. He wasn’t quite sure why she was being brought up; Zhaban doubted he wanted to remind them of the incident with his grandmother.

“So?”

“So, it makes sense that you two have to follow an open door policy.”

He thought they were a couple, that they had a romantic relationship. Zhaban didn’t want to show Rijain exactly what he felt about that but the genuine shock on Laris’ face hurt. He knew they would never be together romantically, no matter how much he wanted them to be, but her complete disbelief at the idea was cutting.

“Are you … not together?”

“No,” the both of them said, Zhaban trying not to sound disappointed about it. 

“Alright, you can keep the door closed,” Rijain told them as if it was something generous he was giving them. He left and then came back in. “For now.”

Once the door was shut and locked, they laid back down, facing each other. Zhaban tried to forget about the conversation with Rijain and instead focused back on Laris. She looked tense, he could practically hear her thoughts whirling around her head at a rapid pace.

“Were you being serious when you said his arm got stuck dislocated?” he asked her quietly. She giggled at the memory and Zhaban took a moment to feel proud of himself for the reaction. “It’s not funny, Laris. It sounds awful.”

“Yeah, and you didn’t even hear the noise when it popped out.”

“Why would you tell me that? Do you hate me?”

“Of course not.” Her voice was soft before she relaxed again. “Do you hate me?”

“Despite how this conversation is going, no, I don’t.”

“I feel so special,” Laris teased him. “You just have such a way with words.”

He grabbed her waist, tickling where he knew would get the biggest reaction. Laris squeaked and tried to pull away, playfully kicking at him. They began to wrestle half-heartedly on the bed, taking care not to tumble off. Laris had been the one to start laughing but they were both gasping for breath when they broke apart. It was getting late, Zhaban noticed when he looked up, and if he didn’t want her grandmother to try and kill him in his sleep, he would need to get to his own room.

“I’m gonna go to bed. I don’t really want to push it any further with your family. Your grandmother kept looking at me like I was scum and that I was going to steal you away.”

“To her, you already did. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning.”

Once he was in his room, lying on the unfamiliar bed, Zhaban felt lonely again. Sleeping next to Laris was not a common event but it wasn’t uncommon and he always struggled afterwards when he was alone. With how Laris reacted to her brother’s suggestion at the two of them being together, he had even more things on his mind to keep sleep away. 


	10. Chapter 10

Laris woke up to the sound of an alert coming through on her communicator, making her immediately sit up and putting her on high alert. She grabbed the communicator once she knew there were no immediate dangers to her and saw that there was a message from Zhaban. It was short, only one word,  _ nightmare _ , and Laris got up quickly, grabbing a sweater, leaving her room to sneak into Zhaban’s room. He was sitting up in bed, panting, with the sheets knotted around him. She didn’t need to say anything to greet him; they were both used to the routine by this point.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked quietly, sitting next to him on the bed. He rested his head on her shoulder, tears damp on her sweater. “Okay. Do you want to try and get back to sleep?”

“I don’t think I can,” he replied. “It just keeps playing through my head, everytime I close my eyes, and I can’t have another nightmare like that. I just … just … can’t, Laris.”

“Okay. I could read, if you want. We got about halfway through the book after my last nightmare.”

“Please.”

She rearranged their positions, grabbing the padd resting on the bedside table and guiding Zhaban to rest his head in her lap. Her free hand closed around one of his, their fingers entwining, and focused on the words in front of her. Because of the late time, or early, Laris hadn’t checked, but she kept her voice quiet as she read. After the first chapter he was beginning to relax again, the tension leaking out of him, and Laris brushed her thumb over the back of his hand. His eyes fluttered closed, breathing evening out, and even though she knew he wasn’t asleep, it was at least some rest.

“Feeling any better?” she asked when she finished. Zhaban nodded.

“Thank you,” he said. He sat up slowly and they were facing each other. Laris reached out and brushed through his hair, moving it out of his eyes. It had been a while since his last cut. “I got pretty freaked out tonight. It was … a really bad one.”

“I know,” Laris replied. “Do you think you can talk about it now or do you just want to try and sleep?”

“Sleep.”

They got under the covers, Zhaban curling into her, face in her hair, breathing deeply. She tried to control her heartbeat at the touch. They’d always slept together like that, whoever had the nightmare being held, but she’d always felt guilty about it. Laris enjoyed being close with Zhaban in every way but it was much more than platonic on her end and it felt like lying to hold him like that. He thought of her as a friend, and her wishes for more, no matter how much she knew they wouldn’t happen, made her feel like she was somehow betraying his trust.

But she pushed past it, knowing that Zhaban needed her to hold him. It was the only reason that she continued their tradition; because Zhaban needed it. Laris could struggle through the aftermath of nightmares without Zhaban if it meant she didn’t have to deal with that guilt. He would know when she had a nightmare even if she didn’t go to him and if she didn’t go to him, he would ask. And if Zhaban asked her directly, then Laris knew her resolve would crumble.

She brushed through his hair absent-mindedly, which was knew would help stop the back of it sticking up, and wrapped her arms around him securely. Sleep was coming to her easily, it always came to her easily when Zhaban was there, but she refused to drift off until she knew Zhaban was asleep. He fell asleep soon, however, the adrenaline rush from his nightmare completely out of his system, tiring him. Laris pulled the covers up on them more, glad she’d worn her sweater. His room was always a little cold for her and it was nice to not have to move closer to him purely for warmth. She was also fairly certain that the sweater she was wearing used to be Zhaban’s at some point but it had been in her wardrobe so long that she wasn’t sure.

Eventually, she fell asleep, content in his arms. 

When she woke up, it was a few minutes before the alarm was about to go off. Zhaban was still asleep, holding her, face still in her hair. Laris tried to ignore how it made her heart flutter, reminding herself of all the reasons that she couldn’t tell him her real feelings. She didn’t want to lose him as her best friend, she would be making him uncomfortable, Tal Shiar agents weren’t supposed to have attachments, her confessing would put them both in danger. Laris couldn’t bear the idea of knowingly putting him in danger unnecessarily.

“Good morning,” he mumbled, moving slightly, facing her directly, their noses brushing together.

“Good morning,” she replied. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Much better, thanks. I was pretty shaken when I woke up last night. It took me a couple of minutes to type the message my hands were shaking so much,” Zhaban told her, resting their foreheads together. Laris smiled at the feeling of his ridges against her. It was a Northern tradition, he’d explained to her, and she’d seen his parents do it to each other and him occasionally over the past eight years. “Your reading helped.”

“I’m glad,” Laris said.

She was about to say something else to him, she wasn’t sure what but knew that it was something she would probably regret, but the alarm went off, interrupting her. Zhaban kissed her forehead and they climbed out of the bed. Laris readjusted her sweater, it had gotten rumpled in the night, and tried to forget about the feel of his lips against her. Keeping her feelings hidden would be much harder if she kept replaying the sensation in her mind. 

“Is that my sweater?”

“Maybe,” Laris replied, and she grinned at him before leaving his room. 

* * *

Zhaban gasped awake, drenched in sweat, looking around his room until he knew for certain that there were no threats. He struggled out of his shirts, stumbling over to his drawers to grab a clean one, wiping at his face with a towel as he did so, and fell back into bed. His communicator was on his bedside table next to his padd and he grabbed it, trying to type out a message to Laris. After multiple failed attempts, Zhaban finally managed to send the message,  _ nightmare _ , and he tossed the communicator away, not caring where it landed. He stayed up in bed, gripping and twisting the sheets around him.

There was a beep at his door as Laris entered the password and he heard the sound of the door opening and closing, not looking up. She sat next to him on the bed, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder, and Zhaban forced himself to look at her, knowing that it would help him feel better. It did. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He rested his head on her shoulder, tears falling on her sweater. “Okay. Do you want to try and get back to sleep?”

“I don’t think I can,” he admitted slowly, his grip on the sheets tightening. “It just keeps playing through my head, every time I close my eyes, and I can’t have another nightmare like that. I just … just … can’t, Laris.”

He knew he didn’t have to explain it to Laris any further, he knew she would understand even as he babbled almost incoherently. She rubbed small circles against his lower back, soothingly. His tears had stopped.

“Okay. I could read, if you want,” she offered. “We got about halfway through the book after my last nightmare.”

“Please,” Zhaban told her. 

She moved him to rest his hand in her lap, the same way in reverse that they had been when Laris had her nightmare, and grabbed the padd. They held hands, fingers entwined, and Zhaban closed his eyes. As she began to read, he felt himself relax. Laris was brushing her thumb over the back of his hand and he was beginning to loosen up, losing himself in her soft voice. In the darkness of the room, her quiet words had more of a calming effect than anything else he could possibly think of.

Zhaban felt guilty at how much he enjoyed it.

Laris was his friend, his closest friend, and at every moment, he wished for more. Her completely innocent actions towards him, her tenderness and touches, were born out of their friendship and nothing more. And Zhaban was thrilled to be friends with Laris, she was the best friend anyone could hope for, and if he could silence the voice in his head begging for more, he would do it in a heartbeat. But he wanted more anyway and he had to push down those feelings every time they raised their heads.

“Feeling any better?” Laris asked as she put the padd down. He nodded, head still in her lap.

“Thank you.” Sitting up, Zhaban faced her, studying her in the moonlight coming through his windows. Beautiful. Laris brushed his hair out of his eyes affectionately. “I got pretty freaked out tonight. It was … a really bad one.”

“I know,” she told him. “Do you think you can talk about it now or do you want to try and sleep?”

“Sleep.”

He curled into her under the covers, nuzzling into the side of her head, breathing in the reassuring scent of her hair. It was their normal position for sleeping together after nightmares. Usually when they slept together, it was because they were too lazy to move away, sprawled out in whatever strange positions they’d fallen in. When Laris had a nightmare, he would cradle her head, wrap himself around her until she felt safe enough to sleep again. She was brushing through his hair affectionately as he tried to fall asleep, distracting him. Zhaban found he struggled to think of anything but Laris when she touched him. But he managed to drift off eventually, knowing that Laris was still awake. 

Laris was also awake when he woke up but he was fairly certain thankfully, that she had slept at some point in the night. They were still wrapped in each other and he took in another deep breath.

“Good morning,” Zhaban mumbled as he moved to face her, their noses brushing together. His mind wasn’t as alert if he was comfortable being that close to Laris without thinking of how to hide his feelings.

“Good morning. Are you feeling any better?”

“Much better, thanks. I was pretty shaken when I woke up last night. It took me a couple of minutes to type the message my hands were shaking so much.” He rested their foreheads together, a Northern tradition. Zhaban couldn’t imagine that the feel of his ridges pressed into her forehead felt very pleasant for Laris but he was grateful that she indulged him. “Your reading helped.”

“I’m glad,” she smiled.

The alarm went off and Zhaban kissed her forehead before he could stop himself, climbing out of bed to avoid having to confront himself about that. He glanced over at Laris and saw something that he thought looked very familiar. “Is that my sweater?”

“Maybe.”


	11. Chapter 11

“How can you not know how to dance?” Laris asked in disbelief, looking up from the padd she was working on. “Didn’t your parents ever teach you?”

“No,” Zhaban replied. “It’s never come up before. Did your parents teach you how to dance?”

“My grandmother did. I learned with Ri,” she said putting down her padd and moving over to the main computer, pressing a few buttons. “Come on, get up. I’ll teach you.”

“You don’t need to teach me, Laris,” Zhaban told her even as he stood up, going to the empty part of the room. Music started playing through the speakers, soft and peaceful. 

“Okay, so there are three main types of dance,” she began. “The most common one is normally used for slightly faster music like this. Your left hand goes on my waist and your right goes on my shoulder.”

Laris stepped close to him, putting his hands in the appropriate positions before doing the same. Her arms were a lot more relaxed than his were. They weren’t particularly close to each other but that was because of how rigid Zhaban was standing. Laughing slightly, Laris moved their position and forced him to soften.

“See? You’ve got it. Now, there are four steps in time with the music. First is to your right and you go forward, then it’s to your left, still forward. Small steps,” she encouraged, moving them a little bit. “The third step is to your right again but going backwards, like I did. Fourth step is to your left and backwards again. And then you just repeat it.”

They went through the steps over and over again.

Zhaban didn’t have much to focus on, there were only four movements, but he still lost track of the music multiple times and they had to start again. After a while, once he’d actually relaxed instead of faking it, he got used to it. The song that was playing changed, the tempo remaining the same, and they danced through that as well. Laris guiding him through helped a lot though it meant that he was a little distracted - but that was probably a good thing. He was used to the simple steps and allowed his mind to drift, thinking about the feeling of Laris’ touch on his waist and shoulder, how close they were both no standing, her gentle smile. It was calming. 

“Is there a reason that I go forward first?” he asked.

“Whoever is tallest starts.”

“So you’ll never start?” he teased and laughed as Laris swatted his chest.

She let go of him and went to change the music, the song faster and a little more upbeat than before. He got the feeling that he was going to struggle with this one, especially since he couldn’t even hear the beat of the music. His mother had done her best to teach them both but only Laris had picked up any recognisable musical abilities. Zhaban could play a few tunes on the lyre and flute. 

“For this one, your right hand is on my waist and your left hand holds mine, outwards like this,” she explained, moving their entwined hands to just about shoulder height. “There’s only two steps but you turn as you do them.”

“Kill me,” he told her immediately, making her laugh. 

“You don’t turn fast. And I can guide you. We step with your right and lean that way and then step with your left and lean again. As we do that, we turn clockwise, but slowly.”

“Are we supposed to look ridiculous?” Zhaban asked as they started to move, rocking side to side.

“A little bit. It’s the more informal type. And you’re supposed to be more energetic.”

He rocked them faster, so that they were definitely in the realm of ridiculous, and soon they were both practically jumping instead of stepping, competing to see who would be the first one to mess up. It was Zhaban half a song later, having to let go of Laris he was laughing so hard. Another two songs played before they were under control again, able to look at each other without bursting into giggles again.

“One more dance?” he asked when Laris went back to the computer.

“One more,” she agreed. 

The song that came through the speaker was even slower than the first, a bit quieter as well, and Laris was humming it a little as she came over to him. It was clearly one that she liked. 

“This one’s the easiest,” Laris told him. “It’s basically just swaying. You just put your arms around my waist and I put mine around yours. Then we just sort of move together.”

Zhaban followed her instructions nervously. They were face to face as they moved, their light footsteps and the music the only sounds in the room, and he was looking at her straight in the eye. Laris had very pretty eyes, he knew. Dark, dark green that practically sparkled when she was happy. He felt a little awkward staring into them but he couldn’t look away. She stepped closer to him, noses brushing, and rested their foreheads together softly. Zhaban felt his eyes flutter closed. 

He lost himself in the feeling of being so close to Laris, holding her, forehead pressed against his ridges. It was different then falling asleep with her. Then, there were a million excuses he could use, a million other reasons for wanting to be close to her. Zhaban felt a strange burst of confidence, warmth in his chest, and was about to tell Laris something,  _ anything _ , about how he felt when a communication came through on the computer, interrupting the music. 

They jumped apart quickly, apparently too lost in it all to remember themselves, and looked at the screen. It was a message from his mother, asking them to meet her in the training room in two minutes for a session that she thought would be beneficial. He sighed, confidence completely gone. It was for the best, he knew, but Zhaban was still disappointed that he hadn’t managed to confess to Laris. 

* * *

“I’ve never learned how to dance,” Zhaban said casually, making her sit up in surprise, suddenly more focused on the conversation they had been having, on and off, for the past hour. 

“How can you not know how to dance?” she asked. “Didn’t your parents ever teach you?”

“No. It’s never come up before. Did your parents teach you how to dance?”

“My grandmother did. I learned with RI. Come on, get up. I’ll teach you,” Laris told him as she gave the computer the commands for the music. 

Learning to dance was a very fond memory for her. For a week when she was nine, her parents had left her and Ri with their grandmother whilst they had a work trip. They’d spent the whole week learning to do the dances and had put on a little show for their parents when they got back. Laris was very surprised that Zhaban didn’t know how to dance since his parents tried to cover everything they could possibly need.

“You don’t need to teach me, Laris,” he told her. When she turned around, he was standing up in the room, ready for her to teach him. She smiled at him and walked over.

“Okay, so there are three main types of dance. The most common one is normally used for slightly faster music like this. Your left hand goes on my waist and your right goes on my shoulder.”

She moved closer to Zhaban and moved his hands. His grip on her was gentle, almost hesitant, and his arms were awkwardly straight. Laris held him as well and helped to soften his arms until he looked more relaxed. It was very obvious that he wasn’t relaxed at all but he was trying his best and Laris appreciated it. 

“See? You’ve got it. Now there are four steps in time with the music. First to your right and you go forward, then it’s to your left, still forward. Small steps. The third step is to your right again but going backwards, like I did. Fourth step is to your left and backwards again. And then you just repeat it.”

Zhaban’s face was a little scrunched up as he concentrated on the steps. It was a little adorable, Laris had to admit. Once he was used to the steps, he relaxed and seemed to enjoy it more. They got to the end of the song and the next one started up, allowing them to keep going. He looked nice when he was calm and relaxed. Laris didn’t get to see him like that as much anymore and she missed it.

“Is there a reason that I go forward first?” Zhaban asked, breaking the silence between them.

“Whoever is the tallest starts,” she told him. She knew the joke that was coming, could see it forming in his mind. 

“So you’ll never start?”

Laris swatted his chest playfully as he laughed. She moved away, missing the feeling of him holding her immediately, and went to the computer. The second type of dance was faster and a lot more fun. It would take a little bit of time to get Zhaban adjusted to it, she knew that he wouldn’t be thrilled about it at first. But Laris also knew that he would enjoy it when he let go.

“For this one,” she started, coming back over, “Your right hand is on my waist and your left hand holds mine outwards like this. There’s only two steps but you turn as you do them.”

“Kill me.”

She laughed at his deadpan comment, squeezing his hand. “You don’t turn fast. And I can guide you. We step with your right and lean that way and then step with your left and lean again. As we do that, we turn clockwise, but slowly.”

“Are we supposed to look ridiculous?”

“A little bit. It’s the more informal type. And you’re supposed to be more energetic.”

Zhaban started to rock them faster, the two of them jumping energetically. Right away, they were in a competition to see who would be the first to mess up. She knew that she would win, she was the one who had the most experience with dancing, but Laris was curious to see how long he would last. It took half a song for him to slip up, making the wrong step and the two of them crashing together, and they burst into laughter. They were both on the floor laughing, every time they looked at each other they burst out laughing again, and it took two whole songs to calm down. 

Eventually Laris got up and went over to the computer to change the music again. Zhaban got off the floor and was watching her. “One more dance?”

“One more,” she promised. She picked the first song, one of her favourites, and hummed along to it as she went back to Zhaban. “This one’s the easiest. It’s basically just swaying. You just put your arms around my waist and I put mine around yours. Then we just sort of move together.”

They started to sway together, looking at each other. She smiled at him, looking into his eyes. The song played all the way through and turned into the next one. Laris moved closer, relaxed in his arms, and rested her forehead against his. Their noses brushed together as she did it and she remembered how close they had come to kissing before, as well as the time they had kissed years before. She didn’t have the courage to do anything more. 

Zhaban looked like he was about to say something, he looked suddenly nervous, tapping her waist, but an alert came through on the computer, interrupting the music. They split apart, Laris trying to tell herself not to push anything with the two of them. She had no idea how he would react but she knew that he didn’t feel the same way. Something would have happened between them if he did. 


	12. Chapter 12

Adrenaline was still rushing through Zhaban as he and Laris stumbled inside. Their first real mission had been a success, their team had performed the best and decided to get drinks to celebrate, and he was practically giddy. With his parents gone for another four days, they were free to be as stupid as they wanted and to be as hungover as they were to be tomorrow. They leaned on each other as they walked to his room, the closer of the two, not for stability but feeling pleasantly relaxed enough to be a little more affectionate with each other.

“Do you think your parents know how we did yet?” Laris asked as she immediately sprawled on his bed. “There’s no way they weren’t keeping tabs on us.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged and laid next to each other. “Although we’re only going to get a lecture, not any praise, when they get back.”

Laris snorted. “The day we get praise from your mother is the day she gets locked up by psych.”

It was Zhaban’s turn to laugh then. His parents were very ‘tough love’, as the humans put it, his mother moreso. He hadn’t even noticed until he’d met Laris’ family and they were open about liking their children. But those thoughts were for another time. They’d impressed their trainers, completed their first mission and were pleasantly tipsy. Maybe on the drunker side of it, but he could still mostly think clearly. Laris appeared to be in the same state with her cheeks lightly flushed and eyes bright. 

“We did well today, didn’t we?” Zhaban asked quietly once they had settled down.

“Of course we did,” she replied, turning to face him with evident concern. “You alright? You’re not usually worried once we’ve finished. Before, you’re a nervous wreck, yes, but not after.”

“Maybe I’m just a melancholic drunk. You’re a giggly drunk, though,” he said and before she could respond, he leaned over and ruthlessly tickled her side. Laris shouted in surprise and tried to get away, shoving at his hands as she sat up. Her laughter was contagious and Zhaban followed her, sitting up and continuing to tickle her.

They wrestled slightly on the bed, giggling, until they were both out of breath and slightly dizzy. Zhaban rested against his headboard and Laris rested against his side, their hands entwined between them. A calm feeling had fallen over the both of them and he was content to stay there forever. His thumb brushed over the back of her hand absent-mindedly and he knew he was tipsy when he didn’t worry about being too affectionate. Laris sighed contentedly next to him.

“You’re my favourite person, you know,” she told him softly. Zhaban felt his heart swell at her words.

“You’re my favourite person too. Forever and always.”

“Really?” Laris asked.

She looked up at him just as he turned to look down at her and their noses brushed together. All of a sudden his heart was pounding loudly and Zhaban was staring into her eyes, lost in them. He wasn’t thinking right, he knew that when he leaned in to kiss her. For a moment he panicked, realisation dawning on him, but then Laris began to kiss him back, her hand coming up to cup his cheek, deepening the kiss. 

They moved in sync, Laris shifting into his lap easily, wrapping around each other. Zhaban buried a hand in her curls and moved to her waist, melting into her touch. With yet another burst of adrenaline and his slightly inebriated state, it was easy to forget about all of the reasons why they shouldn’t be together, why they shouldn’t be doing this. All he wanted was to kiss Laris forever, hold her against him. His grip on her tightened slightly, fingers brushing underneath her shirt at the soft skin there.

Laris broke away slightly and pressed kiss along his jaw before moving to his neck. When her lips brushed over a particularly sensitive spot Zhaban let out a little whine and felt her smile. After a short while she moved back and they kissed again, tongues dancing like it was the most natural thing in the world. His hands went further up her back, still under her shirt, wanting to be as close to Laris as possible.

“Okay?” Laris asked as she played with the hem of his shirt, barely breaking away long enough to get the word out. He nodded and helped her lift his shirt off, taking off her own once they were done. 

It was easy to maneuver them to be lying down again, Zhaban lightly on top of her, and it was better than he could ever imagine. They had kissed when they were twelve, eight years ago, but it was chaste and innocent, he didn’t even know his own feelings, and nothing like what it felt to be with Laris like this now. He ran his fingers over her stomach, feeling her shiver at his touch, and continued to run his hands up and down her sides. 

“Beautiful,” he sighed into her mouth, unable to stop himself or pull away. It felt like very much the wrong time to be confessing her feelings but at the very least he could tell Laris that. “So beautiful.”

She nuzzled his cheek at his words, going soft for a moment, before kissing the tip of his nose and all over his ridges. Zhaban sighed at the feeling, resting his forehead on her shoulder, pressing a kiss there. They kissed again, becoming desperate to be close together, and almost frantically pulled the rest of their clothes off. He let himself drown in her kiss and the feeling of her against him.

Morning came very suddenly when his door opened and his mother noisily came in. Zhaban woke up immediately but took a moment to remember everything. His head ached, the light of the room and the sudden noise making it even worse, but things came back to him in bits and pieces until he had the whole picture. Glancing to his side, he saw Laris next to him, also staring at his mother. They were all silent for a moment. Her mission must have finished early for her to be back so soon. Zhaban hated it. 

“Get dressed and we’ll talk downstairs,” his mother said in a terrifyingly calm voice. That meant they were really in trouble.

Functioning almost entirely on autopilot, they got out of bed the second the door shut and started to get dressed. There were no words spoken, Zhaban wasn’t sure what he could say in the seconds they had before they were expected to head downstairs, and instead everything that had happened the night before hung heavily in the air. The house, a place that had always felt dauntingly big, suddenly felt claustrophobic when they were walking through. Zhaban bumped his shoulder into Laris’ as they approached the door and got a small smile in response but then they had to go inside.

His mother and father were waiting for them, arms crossed, and silently directed them to their chairs. He missed the feeling of Laris being close to him. 

“We’re aware that the two of you have always been close,” his mother began tersely. “We would have to be stupid not to expect it. But we raised you both to know full well that emotional attachments are not allowed once you become full agents. Since up until this moment you’ve managed to handle that, I would like to assume that last night was a product of alcohol and the success of your mission and not something as ridiculously stupid as a relationship. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” they told her in unison.

“Good. Laris, you may leave. Sarreb and I still need to talk to Zhaban.”

She got up and left quickly.

Zhaban felt stupid. He knew they could never have a relationship, he knew that they shouldn’t have slept together, but, even with how much it hurt to face that, he didn’t regret it. And that was the stupid part. Even if Laris miraculously felt the same as he did, which he doubted more and more with every word his mother spoke, they couldn’t be together.

“I know that you used to harbour childish feelings for Laris when the two of you were younger,” his father said and Zhaban wasn’t surprised to hear that they knew. “Those feelings, even if they are still there, can you hide them like we trained you to?”

“There are no feelings to hide,” he replied, thinking of the way that Laris had softened when he called her beautiful, what they had been talking about before they started kissing, still partly convinced that there had to be  _ something _ there. “It was like mother said; we were drunk and excited about completing our first mission.”

He was allowed to go back to his room and collapsed onto his bed, emotionally drained even at such an early hour. The pillow smelled like Laris’ shampoo, there were a few strands of her hair lying on it, and he held it to his chest. It felt pathetic, Zhaban mused that it probably was pathetic, but he had a few hours until he needed to get up and he was going to spend that time wallowing in self-pity. Normally he would go to Laris to talk about it but his parents would kill them both if they went into each other’s rooms after the conversation and warnings that they had just had. 

* * *

  
  


They had completed their first mission, their first real mission, and Laris was ecstatic. As they were on the highest performing team, they all went out for drinks. By the time they left, Laris wasn’t drunk but she definitely wasn’t sober anymore. Her and Zhaban leaned on each other once they got inside, not stupid enough to do it in public, heading straight for his room. Despite being safe inside the house, it was where two Tal Shiar agents lived with two training Tal Shiar agents, their rooms were a safe haven. 

She went straight to his bed, flopping down on top of the covers, and looked at Zhaban with a small smile. “Do you think your parents know how we did yet? There’s no way they weren’t keeping tabs on us.”

“Maybe. Although we’re only going to get a lecture, not any praise when they get back,” he warned, lying next to her. It made her laugh.

“The day we get praise from your mother is the day she gets locked up by psych.”

Zhaban laughed then and she had to fight the way her heart fluttered at the sound. Drunk, however slight, she had a much harder time holding back. It was easier to forget about all of the reasons that they shouldn’t be together when they were lying next to each other, relaxed, and laughing. She studied him, appreciating how his cheeks had slightly flushed and how his eyes were still crinkled from laughing. Something passed over his face, making his smile falter. 

“We did well today, didn’t we?”

“Of course we did,” Laris reassured and immediately turned to face him. She hoped it was just a bit of overthinking things as opposed to something underlying in his mind. “You alright? You’re not usually worried once we’ve finished. Before, you’re a nervous wreck, yes, but not after.”

He thought over her words, eyes becoming slightly unfocused before snapping back to her. “Maybe I’m just a melancholic drunk. You’re a giggly drunk, though.”

Before she could come up with a response, Laris was being tickled. Zhaban was still the only one who knew that she was ticklish and she trusted him enough to keep the secret. She sat up, trying to escape the onslaught, but he just sat up as well, laughing with her. Once she was stable on the bed, Laris began fighting back, pushing his hands away. They ended up wrestling in bed, each of them trying to pin the other down. Laris wasn’t sure what either of them would do if they won. It ended up not being a problem; instead they just gave up, panting to catch their breaths. 

Shifting, Zhaban sat back against the headboard and Laris leaned against him. Between them, they held hands, pointedly not looking at it. His thumb brushed over the back of her hand and her heart leapt at every touch. She let herself relax into him, sighing contentedly. After a moment of consideration, she spoke:

“You’re my favourite person, you know.”

“You’re my favourite person too. Always and forever.”

“Really?”

She turned her head to look at him, nose brushing against Zhaban’s as he looked down at her. Immediately she was transfixed. Lost in his gaze. They were close, so very close, and she wanted to bridge that final tiny gap between them but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Just as she was preparing herself to pull away, preparing herself for the feeling of loss when they were sitting apart again, Zhaban leaned in and kissed her.

It was soft for a moment and then he froze, obviously second-guessing himself. But it gave Laris enough time to recover and she kissed him back, cupping his cheek, trying to burn the feeling of his lips against hers into her memory. She moved into his lap, his hands automatically coming up to hold her, fingers threading through her hair and his other hand gripping her waist. After a moment, when they had adjusted to the sudden changes, Laris felt Zhaban’s fingers underneath her shirt, brushing over her skin, and it felt like electricity.

Breaking away, she pressed kisses along his jaw and moved down his neck, repeatedly kissing the spot that made him whine, smiling. She played with the hem of his shirt as his hands went up her back warm against her skin, and kissed back up to his mouth. Their tongues moved together easily, like they had done it a thousand times before, and Laris melted against him, feeling heat coiling in her stomach. 

“Okay?” she asked him softly, the word half spoken against his mouth she was so desperate to get back to kissing him. Zhaban nodded and lifted his arms to remove his shirt, quickly pulling hers off afterwards.

He moved them to be lying down and Laris pulled at Zhaban on top of her to have him as close as possible. She wanted more, it was as though she couldn’t get enough of him, and a small, petulant voice in her head told her it was because she knew, deep down, that this could only be a one time occurrence. Even if he felt the same way as she did, as unlikely as that was, they couldn’t be together. It would be too dangerous for the both of them and Laris would never be able to forgive herself if Zhaban was hurt because of her. 

“Beautiful,” he sighed, voice quiet and almost reverent, and Laris almost flinched it was so heartfelt. Instead she softened and tried to ignore the voice in her head, tried to believe him. “So beautiful.”

Laris nuzzled into his cheek, unable to convey to him everything she was feeling, scared to convey to him everything she was feeling. She kissed the tip of his nose, as affectionately as she let herself, and then moved to kiss all over his ridges. The way that his eyes fluttered shut made her heart clench almost painfully and when Zhaban rested his head against her shoulder, pressing a kiss to her bare skin, she felt like it was going to explode. Laris let herself get lost in the feeling. 

She woke up in Zhaban’s bed at the sound of his door opening and was confused as to why she wasn’t wearing clothes and why her head hurt. It all came rushing back to her so quickly it was like being punched in the gut. Laris struggled not to look over at Zhaban, knowing that he was looking at her, and stared straight ahead at his mother. Vollu, back several days early and very displeased with what she found, scrutinised them and Laris knew that the older woman knew everything that had happened. 

“Get dressed and we’ll talk downstairs,” she said too calmly for it to mean anything other than a lot of trouble.

From the moment that the door shut, they were out of bed and hurriedly getting dressed. Laris didn’t say anything and couldn't even look at Zhaban as they got ready, terrified that she would see regret on his face. It would be easier if he regretted it but it would hurt so much that Laris would rather deal with all of the problems that came with the alternative. They walked quickly through the house, side by side as always but still not talking, and it was only as they reached the door to where Vollu and Sarreb were waiting that Zhaban reached out to her. He bumped his shoulder into hers and Laris managed a small smile his way.

Once inside, they were directed to sit down in chairs a good foot apart and Laris both craved wanting to be close to Zhaban again as well as grateful for the distance between them. Not that she could let that show on her face in front of Vollu and Sarreb. They looked angry enough as it was. 

“We’re aware that the two of you have always been close. We would have been stupid not to expect it,” Vollu said, looking at them for any sign of weakness. She didn’t find any. “But we raised you both to know full well that emotional attachments are not allowed once you become full agents. Since up until this moment you’ve managed to handle that, I would like to assume that last night was the product of alcohol and the success of your mission and not something as ridiculously stupid as a relationship. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” they both told her.

“Good. Laris, you may leave. Sarreb and I need to talk to Zhaban.”

She left quickly, going straight to her own room. Instead of crawling into bed in shame and embarrassment, maybe attempting to sleep off her hangover, until she had to actually get up, she went to her drawers, pulled out a sweater she had stolen from Zhaban a few days earlier and curled up in her desk chair sliding on the sweater and wrapping her arms around herself. Vollu had been partially correct, they had slept together because they were a bit drunk and excited about the results of their mission, not because they had a relationship together. But Laris desperately wished for a relationship, no matter how dangerous it was.

Vollu’s words kept running through her head, explaining away any evidence she might have for Zhaban having feelings for her. One thing she couldn’t explain away was the gentle way he had called her beautiful, how softly he had kissed her shoulder when she finished kissing his ridges. She needed someone to talk to about it all but the only person she wanted to talk to was Zhaban and he wasn’t an option. Laris breathed in Zhaban’s scent still left on his sweater and tried to ignore the ache in her heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm not back to updating regularly yet but I'm on the way to recovery so I managed to edit this chapter on a good day. I'm hoping to be back to regular updates by about mid-August, if all goes well.
> 
> Hope you all like and thank you for being patient. It's very appreciated.


	13. Chapter 13

Laris hadn’t properly spoken to Zhaban in almost two months. They saw each other for mealtimes and in training and they both made sure to say goodbye when they had to leave for more than a day. She went home to visit her parents more in those two months than she had the entire year previous. As best as she hid it from her parents, as well as Sarreb and Vollu, there was no hiding from Rijain. It probably wasn’t good that someone could read her so easily if she was training to be a spy but it was only her brother and she trusted that they would never be on opposing sides. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s got you in such a mood?” he teased, sitting in her chair at the desk she hadn’t used since she was ten. Laris rolled her eyes at him. 

“I’m not in a mood.”

“Of course you’re not,” Ri laughed. “You’re just suddenly home a lot more, training almost every second, and when you’re not training, you’re sulking in your room like you’re doing right now.”

“Maybe you should be the spy,” she shot back. 

“Alright, you’re not sulking. But, if you were, would the reason have anything to do with how you haven’t called Zhaban once whenever you’re home?”

Laris turned over on the bed so that her face was buried in her pillow. “Maybe.”

“Oh, little one, what happened?”

Ri got up from the chair and locked her door more securely before sitting at the bottom of the bed. He prodded the sole of her foot annoyingly until Laris eventually looked up again, fighting to keep all of the emotions whirling inside her mind off of her face. It didn’t work and Ri just kept staring at her resolutely, the two of them waiting until the other broke. Laris had training and everything to lose by telling Ri and she was almost ashamed at how easily she broke. 

“I … I don’t know,” she admitted quietly. “I’ve liked him for so long, Ri.”

“I know,” he replied and she threw her pillow at him. 

“I’m not done. You’re not allowed to be a smug know-it-all until after I’m done,” Laris said, pointing a finger as menacingly as she could. Ri gestured for her to continue. “I’ve liked him for  _ years _ , Ri,  _ years _ . And I can’t do anything about it. I can’t tell him and I’ve spent years trying not to tell him but I  _ want _ to.”

“Why don’t you?”

There were a lot of reasons. Laris had been going over them again and again after what had happened. They were the last things she thought of going to bed and the first things she thought of when she woke up. 

One of the biggest was that there were rules against it. Sarreb had caught them once, though they hadn’t exactly been subtle, and would be on high alert for anything else between them. Laris didn’t know if the woman would report on her own son but she wouldn’t put it past her. The other biggest reason was that she was scared of losing Zhaban and that fear had definitely proven to be true. They could barely look each other in the eye anymore and she missed him more than Laris was willing to admit. 

“I’m going to assume that was a complicated question,” Ri said after a silence. Laris nodded slowly. “Alright. Going to tell me what happened or do I have to guess?”

“We slept together,” she said quietly, face muffled by her pillow. 

“What?” he asked. 

“We slept together,” Laris repeated, much louder, and was very glad that he had had the forethought to lock her door. The idea of her parents overhearing that was mortifying. “Almost two months ago.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“No, Ri, he didn’t do anything wrong,” she sighed. The memory of Zhaban calling her beautiful played through her mind again, taunting her. 

“Then I’m going to need you to explain it just a little bit more because usually when two people who like each other sleep together, it’s a good thing.”

“It’s … complicated,” Laris managed. At her brother’s raised eyebrow, she relented a little more. “Tal Shiar agents aren’t meant to have relationships, especially not with each other. And in the morning his mother found us and basically told us to never do anything like that again.”

“That’s a mood killer.”

Despite herself, Laris laughed. It felt good to tell someone what had happened, even if it was her big brother. 

“What’s happened since?”

“Nothing. We’ve barely spoken to each other. Only do the barest amount of training together too.”

“What do  _ you  _ want?” Ri asked her kindly. 

“I want …”  _ Zhaban _ . But she couldn’t have him, no matter how much she wanted him. “I want things to be normal again.”

Her brother paused for a moment, clearly not expecting her honesty. Or, at least, what he thought was her honesty.

“I don’t really have advice for that, little one,” Ri admitted ruefully. “I would just start acting like nothing changed and see where that gets me, but that’s pretty stupid.”

“I guess I’m going with stupid.”

Laris had been back from her parents’ house for two days before she had been able to work up the courage to see Zhaban again. They saw each other at mealtimes but even before everything had changed that had never been a time to talk. She was pacing her room repeatedly. There would be a hole in her floor if she kept going the way she was so Laris finally left. It felt like the hallway was longer than it had ever been when previously it was the easiest distance to cover. 

She knocked on the door and, before she could psych herself out, Laris went in. Zhaban was sitting at his desk, his computer up but the screen dark, and looked as though he was trying to whistle but without any luck. The door closed behind her and they stared at each other for a moment, unsure what to say to each other. 

“Is this what you normally do when you’re alone?” Laris asked in surprise. 

“...No.”

“Very convincing,” she grinned. There was a heavy pause. “Do you want to go and train together?”

“Yes.”

Thankfully they didn’t pass Vollu or Sarreb as they walked through the house. Laris wasn’t even sure where in the house they were. Training together was never against the rules and they weren’t going to get in trouble for it but Laris still had the feeling that something was going to go wrong. It wasn’t until the door closed and they were facing each other, preparing themselves for the first round, that Laris was able to relax slightly. It was something that was easy and familiar.

They began trading blows, gentle at first, and gradually got back into the rhythm of it again. Laris had trained almost entirely by herself for two months, occasionally with other recruits, and it took a while for her to remember what it was like to have a partner perfectly her equal again, who knew everything she would do and who she knew the same for. It was easy, easier than she expected, to settle back into the pattern that they had followed for most of their lives. 

As the fight got more intense, both of them pushing themselves more, Laris began panting a little bit, her attention going to ending the fight as opposed to prolonging it. She saw her chance.

Zhaban always let his right guard down ever so slightly when he went for a jab so Laris got close enough for him to try it and struck at him the second she could. It was enough to knock him back a couple of steps and she leapt at him, knocking them to the floor with her elbow at his throat and trapping his legs underneath hers. They were tense for a little while longer as Zhaban tried to break free but he relented when he realised that he was stuck. Or, at least, that’s what Laris thought. 

When she leaned back, just about to get off him so they could go again, Zhaban’s hands went to her sides, fingers brushing over exactly where she was most ticklish, and she cried out in surprise, immediately curling up in response. It was her turn to be pinned down there, still laughing slightly, when Zhaban flipped them over. She rolled her eyes at him and tapped his shoulder, their quiet gesture for the end of a fight. They sat up together, leaning on each other, and took a few deep breaths to calm themselves down. 

“Cheater,” Laris taunted, swatting at his chest playfully. 

“If it works, it works,” Zhaban shrugged and she could feel how he was fighting back a grin, not even needing to look at him. Another awkward silence fell over them. “Uh, how’s your family?”

“They’re alright. My grandmother still hates you but … all okay.”

“Want to go again?” Zhaban suggested and Laris grinned gratefully.

“Definitely,” she said and they scrambled back to their feet and stood back in position. They were going to be okay. “So long as you don’t cheat this time.”

It had been two months since Zhaban had been able to hold a proper conversation with Laris after what they had done. Even with her far more frequent trips home, he knew exactly why, he had had opportunities to talk to Laris but couldn’t bring himself to actually start. They still went to training together, still sat opposite each other during mealtimes, but everything had changed. Zhaban hated it. He hated everything about it. 

When Laris had taken her first trip home, his father had come into his room to talk. All that Vollu spoke to him about was a repeat of what Sarreb had said but with more guilt piled on top of Zhaban and a promise that training at home was going to be much harder to ensure that he was ‘focused’.

Whilst taking out his frustrations on a punching bag helped quite a lot, it didn’t stop all of the thoughts that were swirling around his mind. The most common anxiety that he couldn’t stop himself fixating on was that he had thrown away his friendship with Laris for good. After what his mother had said, Zhaban doubted that Laris would even want to believe that he loved her as more than a friend, even if that was an option they had. Sarreb told him that it was for the best that they were getting rid of their emotional attachment to each other before they were fully fledged agents. Zhaban hated that the most.

He was finding other way to occupy the time that he used to spend with Laris.

Mediating worked mostly. It helped to calm Zhaban’s thoughts often enough for him to keep trying and even if it didn’t, he sometimes fell asleep and that was just as good in his mind. The fact that meditation didn’t work for Laris, she hated it and avoided it wherever she could, helped him to try and distance himself from their friendship. Whenever that thought occurred to him, however, Zhaban always felt a jolt of guilt. He didn’t want to distance himself from Laris, no matter how much his parents said it was good, but he didn’t know if Laris felt the same way about it. 

The main problem that Zhaban had was that he didn’t know how to start a conversation with Laris anymore. Every time he looked at her, he wanted to tell her everything he felt towards her, the urge stronger than it had ever been. Zhaban wanted to tell Laris everything, everything he had ever felt from the very moment he saw her all those years ago, and no matter how strong the urge was, he just couldn’t find the words to explain it all. It was probably for the best. 

Putting the padd he had been trying to read to the side, Zhaban flopped back on his bed, staring up restlessly at the ceiling, unsure what else he could do. Nothing he had been doing had been able to hold his attention for very long and he had been getting more and more frustrated by it all. He got up from his bed, paced around his room pointlessly for a few minutes, and sat down at his desk, rubbing at his face. 

With a quick command, his computer screen popped up from his desk, brightening the room slightly, and he tried to remember what it was he had been doing last. Zhaban read a few lines and it all came back. It was an article about a new law being put to the Senate in the coming weeks. To most people, it would seem like a pointless one that simply explained to the senators how their voting system worked in relation to the changing population. What it actually was was a law that would give the Tal Shiar a better grip on the majority vote of the Senate, giving them even more power over the state. He had been reading it to see how easily it would pass, Zhaban knew that it would at some point no matter the opposition, but had grown distracted about halfway through. 

It wasn’t a particularly interesting article and Zhaban found himself getting distracted again, his attention drifting away. 

Instead of trying to meditate, Zhaban started focusing on other smaller tasks. He threw his clothes in the laundry, he organised his notes, made his bed, and sat back at his desk and realised that he had not passed much time at all. After fiddling with his hands for a few minutes, he started to try and whistle. It was never a skill he was able to have. Laris could whistle, she sometimes used to when they were doing homework. When she had first taught him how to dance, she had whistled the songs they had danced to frequently for the subsequent few weeks. Zhaban had been able to find the songs and tried to listen to them whilst he missed Laris. It had been hard for the first few times but if he focused on the memory of dancing with Laris and how much he enjoyed it as opposed to how much he missed Laris, then it was quite enjoyable. 

There was a knock on his door and it slid open before Zhaban could react, not a good response for a Tal Shiar recruit. If it had been his parents, they wouldn’t have bothered knocking and would tell him that trying to whistle was a stupid waste of time. As he stared at Laris in surprise, Zhaban almost wished that it was his parents. Almost. The door closed behind her and they were still silent. 

“Is this what you normally do when you’re alone?” she asked finally and Zhaban’s brain short-circuited for a moment.

“...No,” he replied and it was clear that Laris didn’t believe him. She grinned at him and Zhaban’s heart flipped over a few times. 

“Very convincing,” she said and there was an awkward pause as they both tried to find something to say to the other. “Do you want to go train together?”

“Yes,” Zhaban said in a way that was probably too quick.

They left his room and walked through the hallways in what was almost companionable silence as opposed to an awkward silence. His parents were, hopefully, still on the other side of the house, going over reports for the last mission that they had been on. Training together wouldn’t be against the rules, though his mother would be disappointed that they were trying to continue their friendship, and Zhaban had to keep reminding himself of that to try and keep himself calm. As they got closer to the training room, his anxieties got worse and worse until the very moment that the door shut behind them. 

Stretching, Zhaban got into position at the centre of the room, standing opposite Laris. For a moment, they both waited, trying to decide if they wanted to be the one to strike first. In the end, it was Laris who went forward first. They started slow with hits and kicks that didn’t hurt and were easy to dodge. Zhaban knew the way that Laris fought, just the same as how she knew how he fought, and he tried to get into the pattern of it. He found it much easier than he had expected to. 

Their attacks were getting more and more intense as it continued and Zhaban already knew that he was about to lose the round. He wasn’t quite as used to the pattern of Laris’ fighting style as she was, able to predict his attacks more often, and it was only a matter of time until she took advantage of it. 

When he went in for a jab, Laris dodged it easily and struck him hard enough to knock him back a few steps, making Zhaban stumble, struggling to find his footing. Laris launched herself at him before he could recover and they both dropped to the ground with a thud. At his throat was Laris’ elbow to stop him trying to get up and Zhaban realised his legs were trapped underneath hers. He tried to break free, failing, and came up with an idea that was technically quite underhanded. Sarreb would be very proud of him for it.

Laris leaned back, obviously about to get up, and he reached up to tickle her sides. It made her shriek with laughter and fall down, curling up in a defensive ball. Zhaban pinned her down as she was distracted, grinning victoriously. They panted, catching their breaths, until Laris tapped his shoulder softly, getting him to climb off. Sitting up, leaning on each other how they usually did after training together, they continued panting for a little while longer. 

“Cheater,” she told him good-naturedly, swatting his chest as she spoke.

“If it works, it works,” Zhaban replied, fighting back a grin as he did so. He panicked slightly as he tried to think of a way to continue the conversation. “Uh, how’s your family?”

“They’re alright,” Laris shrugged nonchalantly. “My grandmother still hates you but … all okay.”

“Want to go again?” he suggested, knowing that it would help to settle into their old patterns. Laris grinned at him and his heartbeat shot back up again. Zhaban tried to push down those feelings. They had a chance to be friends again and he wasn’t going to mess that up. 

“Definitely. So long as you don’t cheat this time.”


End file.
